How to avoid Star Wars spoilers by being a grown-up and caring about grown-up things instead

ARE you worried about spoilers for The Last Jedi? Here’s how to care about normal adult things instead.

Avoid the internet

Stay away from any Star Wars forums and instead maybe start learning a foreign language that you could then teach your son when he’s old enough. Or you could teach him one of them made up Star Wars languages and see how far that gets him in life.

Accept that it’s essentially a kid’s film and there will be another 30 of them coming in the next few years anyway because that’s how Disney does these things

Every month dozens of new films for adults are released. Actual grown-up films that don’t have talking penguin things in them. You could try watching one of those instead.

For fuck’s sake, grow up

Grow the fuck up. You had the toys when you were a kid, but you’re old now so just get a grip.

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Dacre ‘proud of himself’ for trousering half a million in EU subsidies while branding people traitors

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has confirmed he is very proud of himself for taking £460,000 from the EU while branding remain voters as traitors.

Dacre, who demanded the subsidies for his Highland shooting estate and his Sussex farm, insisted he was not only very clever but incredibly noble.

He added: “I am part of a proud British tradition of stupendously rich landowners helping themselves to public money that would otherwise be spent promoting homosexuality and multiculturalism.

“Why would any sane person spend £460,000 on poofters and immigrants when it could be used help some very rich people have tremendous fun slaughtering thousands of animals on a Scottish moor?

“To refuse that money would surely have been treason.”