WANT to barely scrape last place at Eurovision year after year with entries that genuinely make you ashamed? Learn from the country that has perfected the art:
Choose an abysmal song
The key to winning Eurovision is, surprisingly, entering a song that is fun to listen to. Difficult because music is subjective, but the United Kingdom has cracked the opposite formula: tunes that, year after year, are universally despised. And for a continent as diverse and fractured as Europe, bringing it together via hate is something to be proud of.
Refuse to be sexy
Europe is notorious for its debauched love of sex and tits and wrapping them in Bacofoil. Don’t pander to it. Impressing the judges with a buxom singer wearing f**k all but glitter would score points, but where’s the integrity? Scoring nul points may be embarrassing today, but all the best artists are unappreciated in their own lifetimes. Well, some of them.
Be a geopolitical pariah
As much as they claim otherwise, European countries vote according to historical grudges. Look at Ireland: never invaded anywhere and has won a record seven times. To come last, fight wars against the whole continent over 800 years and be ancient enemies with your nearest neighbour. Israel is the exception that proves this rule.
Never learn from your mistakes
After years of coming dead last, it might be tempting to switch up by entering a listenable song. It’s vital that you resist this temptation and stay on the right track. Persistence is key, and now Europe’s become accustomed to your terrible music and unlikable singers you cannot deprive them of a cherished Eurovision tradition.
Enter an even worse song
At Eurovision nothing makes sense, so it’s likely the continent will develop a deranged, Stockholm syndrome-like affection for your crapness. So innovate and plumb new depths of awfulness in order to come last year after year. Next year? Tommy Robinson singing football chants without a microphone while not knowing the words. Look forward to that.
