How to cut a Coronavirus chart banger, by Ed Sheeran

AS the best contemporary songwriter since Bono, I can’t shy away from taking on the big issues. Here’s how I’ll write the Ring a Ring O’ Roses for the coronavirus generation: 

Mention symptoms

Bring in symptoms like ‘persistent, dry cough’ and rhyme them with ‘homes cordoned off’ or ‘hope’s not lost’. Which is not accurate but scans better than ‘pre-existing health conditions’.

Include details

Bring in key things associated with COVID-19, like toilet paper shortages. Not as romantic as a posy of flowers so disguise it with a line like ‘white wads wafting from supermarket shelves’. Streamers of flying loo roll will also make great visuals for the video, and not at all wasteful.

Invent a dance move

A dance move involving coughing into the crook of your arm then elbow-bumping your partner will help the song catch on with the crucial Fortnite demographic of kids who can do it in the playground, film it on TikTok and make it go viral. In a good way.

Get K-Pop involved

Enlist some South Korean stars as a sign of global togetherness, but also because K-Pop’s massive right now so why not jump that bandwagon? But only put Blackpink on the remix, not the original. Being a songwriter isn’t about sharing.

Be wildly positive

Make sure your main chorus is insanely positive about how we’ll beat this thing together and ain’t nothin’ gonna hold us down, so anyone under quarantine and suffering unprecedented restrictions to their life can identify with it.

Have Twitter beef

Start a Twitter fight with a rival virus like SARS to increase your song’s profile. It’ll be like Blur v Oasis for epidemics.

Include a rap

Finally, if you’re a ginger from Ipswich like I am, make sure to spit some excruciating bars mid-song to remind everyone that there are worse things than a global pandemic. The audience will thank you.

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Schools to be renamed 'virus incubators'

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub. 

The UK’s schools, which educate hundreds of pupils a day in classes of up to 30 but are not classified as mass gatherings because it would be inconvenient, will be renamed to reflect their new purpose.

Susan Traherne is the headteacher of Bankside Community Virus Proliferation High School, formerly Bankside A New Hope Co-operative Academy, formerly The Bankside Specialist Sport, Maths and Performing Arts College, formerly Bankside Comprehensive.

She said: “Schools are institutions that shift their function according to government instruction and community need, and right now the government is instructing us that the community needs to get the coronavirus.

“So we’re operating much as we always have, cramming a whole range of kids from across the whole area into small rooms to cough onto each other then sending them home to their families.

“We hope it’ll really make our pupils proud to attend every day. They need something, as they won’t be getting their GCSEs.”