Dominic Cummings's so-crazy-they-might-just-work ways to defeat the coronavirus

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

Give the virus a virus

Only a genius-level lateral thinker like me could have thought of this. Tonight I’ll get out my old Thomas Salter chemistry set and create a deadly virus-killing virus that makes the coronavirus cough itself to death. I’ve asked Porton Down to courier over their weaponised smallpox.

Evacuate Earth

We will build three large spaceships to colonise other planets, Ark Fleet Ships A, B and C, with clever people like me in A, the useful workers in C, and people with dubious non-jobs in B. This is so obvious I can’t believe no one thought of it before.

Do what the virus least expects

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War stresses the need to out-think your opponent. We should do what the coronavirus is least expecting by coughing in each other’s faces, licking surfaces on tube trains and replacing handshakes with prolonged French kissing.

Develop ‘shoal’ immunity

I like saying the phrase ‘herd immunity’ because it’s all scientificky and I only have a degree in history. However I prefer ‘shoal immunity’, which I invented myself, because who’s ever heard of fish getting the flu? I’m planning tests in which groups of people walk in the same direction to see if it increases their resistance to coronavirus.

Nuke ourselves

What does the coronavirus need to survive? People. What gets rid of people? Nuclear war. If we just wipe ourselves out with Trident the coronavirus is stuffed. Truly I am a latter-day Alexander cutting the Gordian Knot.

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Man with slight cough on bus stared at like survivor hiding zombie bite

A MAN on the bus with a slight cough is being stared at by other passengers like a survivor of the zombie apocalypse hiding a bite. 

Tom Logan of Birmingham has no fever and only an occasional wet cough, but is still being glared at by passengers like they are ready to slit his throat for their own collective good.

He said: “I’m a bit chesty, sure. I haven’t got the coronavirus. I feel fine. I’m not wearing this coat to hide a suppurating bite on my forearm which will turn me into a mindless killer before we reach Smethwick.

“Okay, I did have Chinese food last night, but that’s unrelated. I’m fine. Honestly I’m fine. Please stop looking at me like that.”

Fellow passenger Emma Bradford said: “If he has to be taken out with a shotgun blast to the chest then I’m totally fine being the one who has to do it.

“He should really volunteer, and thank us. We’re saving him as much as anyone. We haven’t got a choice.”

Logan said: “Alright, alright, I smoked a ton of weed last night. Happy now?”