Socially distanced St Patrick's Day: how to have COVID-19-free craic

ST PATRICK’S Day without pubs, inflatable shamrock hats and drunken en masse singing of the Pogues seems impossible. But here’s how to keep the craic coming at home: 

Bulk buy Guinness

Guinness has to be medicine, otherwise why would it taste like that? Likewise, whiskey definitely gives your insides an anti-bacterial shield, so drinking as much as possible is a saintly act that Patrick himself would salute.

Brew your own poteen

Britain is days away from becoming a nation of moonshiners. Make your own stout using cheap lager and Marmite. If you can only get English whisky, turn it into anti-bacterial hand lotion so it’s not a complete f**king waste of barley.

Celebrate the humble spud

The veg aisle is the only bit of the supermarket where people aren’t brawling, so bulk buy potatoes in an act of national solidarity. Or start a fight in the shop, because you won’t be able to have one at pub closing time and can’t bear having your traditions eroded.

Bring back traditional storytelling

The Irish love sitting at a wizened old man’s feet while he spins a yarn. Get an elderly relative on Skype and they’ll just automatically begin banging on about the old days when they had nothing but were blissfully happy all the time.

Have a good old sing-song

Join our continental neighbours by blasting out classics by U2, Daniel O’Donnell and B*Witched from your windows. If some f**ker tries to start a chorus of West Life’s You Raise Me Up, complete with key-change stool-rise, you are allowed to break social distancing rules to beat the shit out of them.

Hate the English

Just watch Boris Johnson’s press conference from last night and this one will come naturally.

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It's milk and bread next, say stockpiling bastards

MILK and bread will be the next victims of needless panic buying, Britain’s moronic stockpilers have confirmed.

Having descended on pasta and toilet paper like a plague of locusts, hoarders will move on to the products they traditionally target during a light dusting of snow.

Stockpiler Bill McKay said: “It’ll be good to go back to basics. Wrestling hand sanitiser out of an old lady’s hands wasn’t the same as a loaf or four pints of semi-skimmed.

“I enjoyed buying all the hand soap while leaving the shower gel untouched, even though they’re essentially the same thing, but it’s time to return to my core values.

“Thanks to their short shelf life, I can legitimately stock up on excessive amounts of milk and bread every few days without the cashier getting angry. I know I should freeze some for the long term, but where’s the fun in that?”

Chronic accumulator Eleanor Shaw said: “Once all the normal bread’s gone I’ll stockpile bagels and tiger bread, then flour and yeast so nobody can bake a loaf at home.

“I’ll never stoop to buying seeded bread or almond milk though. I’m not crazy.”