Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Boris Johnson's latest half-arsed half-measures that will do f**k-all

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything. They are: 

Discouraging theatre visits

The London-based government’s assumption that Britons regularly visit the theatre was already wildly inaccurate, but even then stopped short of actually closing theatres. Johnson merely tried to put everyone off by reading a list of Shakespeare’s comedies.

Saying ‘Don’t go to the pub’ 

Pubs stay open, continuing to sell thirst-quenching alcoholic drinks to anyone with a relaxed attitude to their long-term health. Their regulars have already been told not to go to the pub many, many times. They do not tend to listen.

Advising over-70s to stay indoors

Having recently won an election by banking on pensioners’ propensity to ignore all warnings of disaster, Johnson is now attempting to cut them off from their watercolour classes. Large groups of over-70s will convene later today to say what a ninny he is being.

Warning against non-essential travel or contact

A nation that believes it essential to rack up credit card debt to wear T-shirts with CHANEL on has a very flexible definition of the word ‘essential’, one that will certainly encompass visiting Alton Towers at the height of a pandemic because there won’t be any queues.

Work from home if possible

Official advice for everyone to work from home will be followed by all those who can, which is less than half the country. The rest have been advised that they should have moved upstairs into admin way sooner.

Only use the NHS when you need to

You know on a Friday night, when everyone’s had a few drinks and you go gang-handed down to your local hospital’s endoscopy department to see who’s got the best-looking lower bowel? That has to stop.

Recommending everyone cancel everything while keeping f**king schools open

There’s no reasoning behind this one.