Woman pretending to be relaxed about shoes on or off

A WOMAN is pretending to be relaxed about whether guests should keep their shoes on at the front door or take them off.

Emma Bradford sadistically forces visitors to play an impossible guessing game while clearly having a preference about indoor shoe policy.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “I wish she’d just say, ‘Take your shoes off please because we have nice carpets and suspect your footwear is covered in shit and germs.’ 

“Or if she feels differently, ‘Please keep your stinky feet hidden, I’ve only met you twice and it would be over-familiar to show us your socks.’

“But instead she says, ‘Oh, I don’t mind!’ in an airy tone, while looking massively anxious about what horror you’re about to inflict on them. 

“I could try to follow her lead but what if she’s wearing slippers? So either I stomp around in my shoes while Emma winces, or slide around feeling vulnerable in my socks hoping my feet don’t smell.

“I’ve decided the sensible thing is to never visit her again.”

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How to make sure you beat your best friend at finding romance

ARE you in a codependent female friendship and worried about which of you will meet someone first? Here are some ways to make sure you ‘win’.

Offer makeup advice 

Encourage her to wear things like blue mascara and peach lipstick, and pluck her eyebrows until she looks permanently surprised. It won’t stop non-shallow people falling for her but there aren’t many of those about, so it will drastically lower her chances of finding love. 

Keep the box sets flowing

How can she meet any potential ‘the ones’ if she’s in a you-induced Games of Thrones coma? If you succeed in getting her addicted that will also give you approximately a 4,200-hour headstart on finding someone yourself.

Persuade her to get an ill-advised tattoo

Why not gift it to her as a birthday present, so she feels obliged? A cartoon crab on her pubic bone or the word ‘herpes’ in neat italics on her inner thigh should do the trick. Convince her it will be funny and everyone will know it’s ironic. 

Use your friendship as a block

If you see her hitting it off with someone, lure her away with a rambling monologue about a heartbreaking personal problem: a bad hair day, the loss of a childhood hamster, a missing favourite jacket. Anything will do, just as long as your wails are too dramatic to walk away from. 

Spy on her 

If she does start getting close to someone, consider swapping out her phone sim and remotely tracking her messages like Carrie Mathison in Homeland. That way you can spy on all her thoughts, movements and dick pics and stay one step ahead of any romance threats.

Kill her

Slipping microdoses of cyanide into her morning granola is an extreme but effective way of making sure you, eventually, find love first. Be careful not to make any new best friends to replace her, though, or you will have to repeat the whole process all over again.