How to dance badly: a guide for men

THOUGH after two drinks they believe they’re Justin Timberlake, men are shit at dancing. Here are five moves they make tits of themselves with:

The Moonwalk

If you can pull this move off it looks amazing. But nobody can. Instead, those trying shuffling slowly backwards while their shoes become ever more stuck to the beer-drenched surface of the dance floor, looking like a pissed old men backing away from an enforced sponge bath.

The hip gyration

How Tom Jones can still be considered sexy by some people at the age of 80 is one of life’s great mysteries, but it may be down to his wildly rotating hips. Unfortunately, when any other man does it they come across as colossal perverts and the police are called long before Sex Bomb reaches its climax.

The big fish, little fish, cardboard box

You knew you looked uber-cool cutting these shapes at those early 90s raves, but you were pilled up to the eyeballs on Mitsubishis and so was everyone else. Now, you’ve nothing more to fuel you than a few pints of lager and worried onlookers are more likely to think you’re having a seizure than applaud your retro moves.

The Vossi Bop

This is a move that should only be done by people under the age of 30 who have a good sense of rhythm and an understanding of youth culture, not middle-aged blokes who saw that one Stormzy thing at Glastonbury. See also the Dab, the Dougie, flossing and anything else that came into the world via TikTok.

Pushing other men

Starting a moshpit is the ideal way to assert your masculinity and counterbalance your anxiety that any kind of dancing makes you look like a poof. However, after being rejected by every female in the vicinity for being a dickhead and chucked out of the club for trying to start a fight, you’ll be wishing you’d just joined in with the Macarena instead.

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Nap made everything worse

A WOMAN has awoken to discover her nap was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Eleanor Shaw had been feeling sleepy after an early start and hoped a quick kip would make her more productive, but instead it completely f**ked the rest of her day.

Shaw said: “I woke up to another world. The house was dark. It was silent. I had no idea how many hours I’d been asleep for, what day it was, or if the rest of the humanity had been abducted by aliens.

“I was freezing cold but covered in sweat, my mouth felt like something died in it and I had a banging headache. And, somehow, I was more tired. How is that even possible?”

Shaw went on to spend a further two hours pratting about on her phone before getting up from the sofa, by which time it was 10.45pm and time to go to bed.

She added: “Of course, I couldn’t get to sleep. So I’ll need another nap tomorrow. It’s an endless cycle of doom that I’ll never escape from.”