How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities

DO you secretly suspect that celebrities are better people than you? You are correct. Here’s how to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to them.

Ignore their upbringing

Lots of famous people had rich parents with industry connections and went to fancy schools, so of course they were going to do alright. Just don’t think about celebrities who hit the big time thanks to hard work and talent or you’ll get more depressed.

Focus on their appearance

How come celebrities are smoking hot but you look like shit? Could it be because it’s part of their job so they have teams of people dedicated to making them look attractive for the cameras? Partly that, but they also have better genetics than you.

Obsess over their age

Waste your life by calculating how old successful actors and musicians must have been when they started doing their most iconic work, even though the answer’s always: very young. Then try to remember what you were doing when you were that age, even though the answer’s always: f**k all.

Assess your own life so far

Counting your life’s achievements on one hand is always a bad idea, even without factoring superstars into the equation. Sure, Harry Styles might be a famous singer, actor and pioneer of gender-fluid fashion, but you once found a fiver you’d forgotten about in an old pair of jeans back in 1998, so who’s the real winner?

Google their net worth

You’re only ever a few clicks away from looking up how much more valuable celebrities are than you in financial terms. Console yourself by pretending that if you somehow become a billionaire you’d do something more worthwhile with your cash, even though the truth is you would also waste it on cars and drugs.

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The traditional Christmas films arseholes will force you to watch

IT’S coming up to Christmas, which means some tosser will make you sit next to them to watch a Christmas movie they love and you don’t. Like these: 

Miracle on 34th Street

It’s an ironclad rule: movies with Santa in suck. Yes, all of them, yes the one with Tim Allen, yes the one with Dudley Moore. And this one combines all the suckage of a Santa movie with the bullshit of a courtroom drama where the highlight is the emptying of mailbags.


There are very few Bill Murray films that aren’t classics – even his cameo in Space Jam elevates it – and this is one of them. The story of an asshole forced by magical circumstances to stop being an asshole is way better in Groundhog Day, which has snow in it so you may as well just watch that.

Die Hard

It may be a Christmas film, as is the sequel, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun to watch at Christmas. Nobody hates yuppies now as vehemently as they did in the 80s, so seeing one murdered in cold blood doesn’t exactly fill the heart with seasonal cheer.

Love Actually

The second movie in a row where Alan Rickman ruins Christmas Eve, this garage-bought box of Ferrero Rocher is an ensemble piece in which every member of the achingly middle-class cast is a dick who doesn’t deserve to find a quid in the street, never mind love.

Home Alone

A child abandoned by his uncaring family turns his house into a Saw-style murder maze in which two men are horribly tortured and mutilated while he laughs maniacally. It honestly would have been kinder if he’d just shot them. Merry Christmas.