Squeezing fruit: five unacceptable things to do in a supermarket during a pandemic

WITH Christmas fast approaching, you’ll be spending a frightening amount of time and money in the supermarket. But what should you definitely not do while shopping during a pandemic?

Loiter near the meat

Mindlessly browsing in the supermarket really isn’t on now – although it was pretty heinous before Covid. You do NOT need to spend 15 minutes in front of the pork chops. They are just chops. And it isn’t okay to wrestle with other shoppers when the butcher emerges from cold storage with a pallet of marked-down mince.

Chat with the cashiers

In the olden days you could shoot the breeze with the checkout staff to your heart’s content. Especially if you wanted to piss off people queuing behind. But now you should make it like a high-tension SAS operation. Shopping? Bagged. Affirmative. Card – swiped. Nectar points – collected. Lego cards – yes, I am collecting. Now go, go, go!

Squeeze fruit

Pre-Covid, shoppers were allowed to grope as much fruit and veg as they liked. Not anymore. In fact if someone so much as runs their finger along a Honeydew melon they don’t fully intend to buy a team of shelf-stackers should roughly bundle them into the storeroom for a ticking off from the duty manager.

Sing along to the store muzak

This is a time of paranoia and panic, so it is not appropriate to sing along to Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’. Also, all Christmas music is shit, except ‘Stop the Cavalry’, so there’s no need to generate more of it.

Stuff your face while you browse

We’ve all had a nibble on food that technically still belongs to the supermarket. But no more – mandatory masks have scuppered that. You could probably slip some crisps under your PPE without compromising its integrity, but think first – does it look a bit ‘common’?


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Kids taken to Santa behind plastic screen with masked elves to preserve the magic of Christmas

CHILDREN are being taken to see a Santa behind a plastic screen with masked elves and mandatory hand gel to keep the magic of Christmas alive. 

Across the UK, youngsters are visiting fully Covid-compliant Santa’s grottoes for the heartwarming experience of Father Christmas asking them what they want this year through an intercom. 

Grace Wood-Morris, aged seven, said: “I was so excited as we queued two metres apart with elves in hi-viz jackets and facemasks warning us not to touch anything. 

“Then we were allowed to enter the open-air grotto to see Santa Claus himself saying ‘Ho ho ho’ from behind a smeared plexiglass screen. He seemed so cautiously jolly. 

“I told him I wanted a Baby Yoda plushie, then I told him again, then yet again but this time while facing the microphone as directed by his elf helper. 

“He asked if I’d been a good girl and washed my hands for 20 seconds every time I came in the house even if I’d only been playing in the garden, then instructed me where to collect my wrapped gift which I couldn’t open for 48 hours. 

“As I left I saw the elves swoop in to disinfect the chair I’d been sitting in before I went to the Rudolph-themed hand-gel station. So he’s definitely real.”