How to learn to live with Wordle

POPULAR online puzzle game Wordle shows no sign of going away any time soon. Here’s how to learn how to live with  this population-enslaving time-waster.

Know your enemy

Wordle is currently sweeping through the population at an exponential rate, with even people who aren’t tragic nerds falling victim to it. But what is Wordle? According to scientists it is a novel word-based guessing game that was first detected in October 2021. A more contagious version is yet to emerge, but it’s only a matter of time.

Don’t be afraid to block people

Your social media feed is probably flooded with people posting their daily Wordle test results, but thankfully you can filter them out by blocking them or unfriending them altogether. And given that everyone you follow seems to be showing off that they got today’s word in three guesses, you’ll be friendless and free of your social media addiction in no time.


No matter how much you try to self-isolate from Wordle, curiosity will eventually get the better of you and you’ll give it a go. Don’t panic. This does not mean that you are now the sort of person who reads the Scrabble dictionary for fun. In fact some people who play Wordle go on to live relatively normal, happy lives.

Play responsibly

Even though you’ve played Wordle that doesn’t mean you’re now safe. It’s important that you show some restraint and don’t stay up until midnight desperately waiting for the next word to drop. Also, try to remember that Wordle was invented by an American, so go easy on yourself when you can’t figure out their dumb spellings.

Get other people into it

The sooner everyone in the country has been exposed to Wordle, the sooner we can all become immune to its charms and return to normality. To help the public achieve Wordle herd immunity, talk to colleagues about it and post your score on every social media platform. That includes the days where you fail and feel like a f**king idiot.

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Eight other quotes you could use to tell Boris Johnson to f**k off

DAVID Davies yesterday quoted Oliver Cromwell to tell Johnson to piss off. Which other quotes, with helpful amendments, might help the dick get the message? 

‘Stand not on the order of your going, but f**k off’ 

A classic line from Macbeth when the autocratic tyrant is losing it, his lies are catching up with him and his viciously ambitious wife’s still trying to keep the shitshow on the road. It’s certainly apposite. 

‘F**k off. No, f**k off a lot’ 

A retort from Kingsley Amis who, like Boris, loved both Thatcher and adultery but also loved being rude to high-born dickheads who think they’re better than you.

‘I wolde I hadde thy coillons in myn hond… Lat kutte hem of, you wanker’ 

It may be Chaucer’s Middle English, but the fury and desire to castrate someone come through as strongly as they do in any vox pop in a traditionally Tory seat. And honestly, wouldn’t castration be kindest to Johnson? 

‘Go, consort with friends who like a madman for their mate, you spluttering posh prick’ 

From a Sophocles play, but to Boris a direct instruction to get his old job as a Telegraph columnist back. They’ve long parted ways with reason over there. 

‘God damn this windy ruffian and all his breed, who should all f**k off’

Mark Twain writing about English aristocrats discussing a fart is exactly what’s happening in the Commons tea room right now. Apparently they need a weekend and a report from Sue Gray to agree that the fart is bad. 

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that Boris needs to f**k off’

Jane Austen didn’t exactly write this, but if you’re familiar with the overstuffed lying twats who make up the majority of men in her novels, you know she’d absolutely agree. 

‘The pain of parting is as nothing to the joy of you f**king off forever’ 

Johnson would certainly recognise the wise words of Charles Dickens, the quintessential English novelist, who would have spotted the shithead as a bad ’un from miles away. We should only listen. 

‘Hodor. Also, f**k off Boris’ 

Brain-damaged by a bad warging and unable to say anything but ‘Hodor’, the Game of Thrones character would have made an exception for our soon-to-depart prime minister. Telling him to f**k off is just too important not to.