'Getting the popcorn out': Six things idiots online think are original and hilarious

EVER noticed that every online discussion is full of people making the same old tired jokes and observations? Here are some of the most wearisome.

‘Getting the popcorn out!’

Such a cliche it’s not remotely amusing, like saying ‘He’s blind as a bat!’ and expecting everyone to chortle. It also shows you’re too much of a spineless twat to put forward your own opinion, and just intend to watch, like some grubby masturbator.

Repeating an incredibly well-known fact

For example, it’s now very common knowledge that Max Hastings gave a scathing assessment of former employee Boris Johnson. Don’t let this stop you reposting it for the trazillionth time. Deeply annoying, like someone patronisingly telling you ‘It’s a good idea to put some money away in a savings account’.

‘Fixed that for you’

This involves altering a previous comment, usually to make it more damning. It’s rarely funny or pithy, and just pathetically says, ‘I desperately want to be a comedian but lack any sense of humour so I make do with pestering a tiny number of people on Guardian comments.’

‘You’ve won the internet’

There’s nothing wrong with showing your appreciation but people are usually praising to the heavens something that tickles their own stunted sense of humour, eg. Priti Patel’s face photoshopped onto Darth Vader.

Being ‘first’ in comments 

Declaring ‘First!’ started out as a daft little internet challenge, but could also be an amusing swipe at internet idiots. However, if you’re still doing it, it’s a bit tragic, like saying ‘Has anyone seen this show Game of Thrones? Seriously, you should check it out.’

Doxxing someone

You’ve just made it possible to contact or stalk someone. It’s lucky that everyone on Twitter just enjoys pricking famous people’s assumed pomposity, and isn’t a madman sitting in a basement with a bottle of chloroform muttering, ‘You’ll soon realise we were meant to be together, Holly.’

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Even Tim Martin doesn't like you, and other ways to know you're really up shit creek

BORIS Johnson has found himself in non-stop trouble recently. Here he explains the telltale signs that you might be irretrievably f**ked.

Absolutely everyone is ripping the piss out of you

And I mean everyone, from Phil and Holly to Gary Neville. If your bullshit has achieved such a level of cut-though that even plebs from football and the telly are calling you a twat to your face, you could well be screwed.

Someone defects to the other side

Politicians are usually pathetically loyal, especially Conservative ones who’ll do humiliating shit such as pretending to like and respect Iain Duncan Smith. So when one decides to join Captain Hindsight’s Lesbian Snowflake Party, you might have really ballsed things up.

An old bloke tells you to f**k off

Old people are demented duffers who nature is thankfully thinning out with Covid. If one has the nerve to stand up in front of all your colleagues and tell you in no uncertain terms to piss right off you should worry. Especially if it’s David Davis.

The Telegraph is losing faith

As a Tory, the Telegraph will adore you no matter what mad right-wing shit you come up with. Look at Priti and her plans to attack migrants with ‘sound cannons’. If the loony tunes Torygraph decides you’re wrong, you’re practically claiming to be God Emperor of the Universe while wearing a straitjacket.

Tim Martin doesn’t like you

If there was an annual competition to find Britain’s biggest bellend, Tim Martin would have won every year for the past two decades. When a monumental wanker like that calls you a hypocrite and thinks you’re a prize prick, you are definitely done for.