EVER noticed that every online discussion is full of people making the same old tired jokes and observations? Here are some of the most wearisome.
‘Getting the popcorn out!’
Such a cliche it’s not remotely amusing, like saying ‘He’s blind as a bat!’ and expecting everyone to chortle. It also shows you’re too much of a spineless twat to put forward your own opinion, and just intend to watch, like some grubby masturbator.
Repeating an incredibly well-known fact
For example, it’s now very common knowledge that Max Hastings gave a scathing assessment of former employee Boris Johnson. Don’t let this stop you reposting it for the trazillionth time. Deeply annoying, like someone patronisingly telling you ‘It’s a good idea to put some money away in a savings account’.
‘Fixed that for you’
This involves altering a previous comment, usually to make it more damning. It’s rarely funny or pithy, and just pathetically says, ‘I desperately want to be a comedian but lack any sense of humour so I make do with pestering a tiny number of people on Guardian comments.’
‘You’ve won the internet’
There’s nothing wrong with showing your appreciation but people are usually praising to the heavens something that tickles their own stunted sense of humour, eg. Priti Patel’s face photoshopped onto Darth Vader.
Being ‘first’ in comments
Declaring ‘First!’ started out as a daft little internet challenge, but could also be an amusing swipe at internet idiots. However, if you’re still doing it, it’s a bit tragic, like saying ‘Has anyone seen this show Game of Thrones? Seriously, you should check it out.’
You’ve just made it possible to contact or stalk someone. It’s lucky that everyone on Twitter just enjoys pricking famous people’s assumed pomposity, and isn’t a madman sitting in a basement with a bottle of chloroform muttering, ‘You’ll soon realise we were meant to be together, Holly.’