How to not admit to anyone you're into serial killers

IT’S one of Britain’s most enduring hobbies – serial killers. Here Wayne Haynes, owner of more than 300 books and DVDs on the subject, explains how to keep quiet about this rewarding activity.

Find a good euphemism

Say you’re ‘very interested in psychology’ or ‘love reading about forensic science’. Omit to mention that your erudite reading is mainly about people being stabbed, strangled, bludgeoned, poisoned and dismembered in a variety of interesting ways.

Keep your serial killer resources out of sight

You’ll need a lot of Nigella and Top Gear books for your bookshelves to disguise hundreds of titles like Dahmer, the Real-life Cannibal Killer. Put them all in a spare room, but remember to keep it locked. A lady I was rather enamoured of just wasn’t comfortable with my collection, by which I mean she climbed out of an upstairs window and ran off.

Don’t reveal your full knowledge

If you’re watching a serial killer documentary with others, keep your specialist knowledge to yourself. Don’t excitedly blurt out: ‘The best bit is when Nilsen sat the corpses on his sofa for a couple of days before chopping them up and flushing them down the toilet!’

Choose your serial killer reading matter carefully 

Look out for books like Gordon Burn’s Happy Like Murderers, which was applauded by the broadsheets as well-written, important journalism, but was also very gruesome. You can read that openly, but in our hypocritical society equally informative tomes like Scream Until You Die: The Top 10 Greatest Torture Dungeon Killers are looked down upon.

Don’t be a serial killer purist

No one will bat an eyelid if you host a video night with a socially acceptable serial killer film like Zodiac, American Psycho or Silence of the Lambs. It’s not the same as a good Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy documentary, but Anthony Hopkins does his best.

Make friends with other serial killer buffs

A different approach is to meet people who share your perfectly normal, healthy hobby. They’re not maniacs or sickos, but if they invite you over always position yourself between them and the door, just in case.

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'They've never been racist to me' and other gammon defences of the police

AFTER revelations about offensive texts and going in mob-handed to protect oligarchs’ mansions, the police’s reputation has taken a hit. Here gammon Roy Hobbs explains why he still has total faith in the ‘thin blue line’.

If you want to know the time, you can still ask a policeman

It’s easy to forget all the nice things the police do like catching runaway horses, road safety, and yes, telling you the time. But probably don’t ask if you’re a black teenager because they’ll think you’re taking the piss and Christ knows how that will escalate.

Someone’s got to protect us against feminist sit-in protests

It’s got so I can’t walk in the park at night without my path being blocked by a bloody candlelit vigil for something or other. What about my rights? If they’d seen me have a wee behind a tree I’d feel violated AND I’d be on the sex offenders list. That’s assuming I didn’t just make that whole scenario up. 

You wouldn’t be up in arms if they’d found cannabis on that schoolgirl, would you?

Some would say the recent strip-search of a black schoolgirl based on no evidence was wrong. But that’s the price we pay for stopping Britain turning into a nation of hashish-crazed hippies instead of well-behaved drinkers. I personally wouldn’t have the stomach to traumatise a young girl, but I’m bloody glad there are people who do.

They wouldn’t stop and search you if they didn’t have a good reason

It’s not racist to stop a black person driving an expensive car. They’re the ones always complaining about being underprivileged, which proves they’re more likely to be a yardie than a dentist. That’s just common sense.

The police have never been racist to me

Whenever I’ve had dealings with the constabulary, I’ve never experienced any anti-white prejudice. Also when you’re dealing with violent criminals the odd prejudiced comment is bound to slip out. And you might keep using those prejudiced comments back at the station, and on most days at work. It’s just the stress of the job.