Total narcissists, and other absolute dickheads women will go out with if they're tall

ARE you a woman prepared to overlook even the worst flaws if a man is over six feet tall? Here are some of the biggest dickheads who will make the cut:

Total narcissist

We’re told to avoid narcissists because they are selfish pricks who don’t give a shit about their partner. But given that the one reason you’re going out with him is because he’s taller than you when you’ve got heels on, you probably deserve each other.

Know-it-all twat

Sitting down to dinner with a mansplainer who won’t let you get through ordering without needing to explain the etymology of the word ‘menu’ is depressing. But those long legs will look great striding away to the bathroom after he’s bored you rigid, so you’re prepared to suck it up.

Complete deadbeat

This guy has got no job, no prospects and still lives at home with his parents, even though he’s 43. But on the other hand he’s tall enough to be able to stand behind you and romantically rest his chin on the top of your head while looking at a sunset, so who’s judging?

Emotionally stunted nightmare

This awful man-child is jealous, insecure and prone to tantrums over the smallest perceived slight. Your friends hate him and your parents say he’s not good enough for you. However, he’s tall enough to put you on his shoulders so you can see everything at festivals, so you’re prepared to put up with his shit, at least until autumn.

White Range Rover driver

There’s really no excuse to date a man who drives a car like this, which just screams ‘I have a tiny dick and also no taste’. But, even if he does have a small penis, the rest of him is long, and therefore you’re prepared to deal with the embarrassment of being seen out and about in his hideous monstrosity of a car.

Six deeply offensive ways to celebrate St Patrick's Day

YES, it’s the most ersatz celebration of the year as non-Irish people honour St Patrick by puking in the street. Here’s how to make it actually quite offensive.

Start speaking ‘Irish’

Not Gaelic, but supposedly typical Irish phrases in a baffling accent. Try: ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya, sor’, or ‘Begorrah, oi fancy some of da craic’. If an actual Irish person looks both horribly embarrassed and as if they want to punch you, you’re hitting the right note.

Know f**k all about Ireland 

Always refer to the Republic of Ireland by the outdated name Eire. Assume it’s part of the UK and the capital is Belfast. Definitely know nothing about St Patrick, although all he really did was bully some snakes. The full extent of your knowledge should be that Krystals, your tacky local nightclub in Croydon, has a St Patrick’s night where Guinness is £1.50.

Have a St Patrick’s Day film marathon

Pick the most obvious films so Ireland is reduced to war and terrorism (Michael Collins, In the Name of the Father) or a twee cliche-fest, eg. Darby O’Gill and the Little People, where Sean Connery befriends a leprechaun. It would be four long years before Dr No.

Dredge up every tired stereotype

If you’re dressed as a leprechaun wearing an oversized green hat, a green suit with a four-leaf clover pattern, green shades and a red nylon beard, you look authentically Irish. Get horribly pissed on too much booze containing green food dye, and randomly sing ‘Danny Boy’. Or rather the only two words you know, ‘Danny’ and ‘boy’. The Irish embassy will practically be handing you a passport there and then.

Romanticise the IRA

More of an American thing, but drink a toast to ‘the boys’, forgetting they waged a brutal terror campaign and imagining them to be loveable underdog outlaws, sort of the Magnificent Seven but with car bombs.

Have a party that gets everything horribly wrong

Having a St Patrick’s Day party? For nibbles you’ll definitely want to serve some potatoes, because the Irish love potatoes, or something. There should be dancing, but only the Riverdance. Any Irish guest will feel as if they never left their horse-drawn caravan in ‘da Emerald Isle’.