THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly.
Stare for an acceptable period
Stare at exhibits long after you’ve got the gist and have started feeling bored. This proves you appreciate culture and are not some working-class oik who only enjoys chips and copulating. Never mind that you really can’t see what’s so amazing about a picture of a horse.
Think about sex
Gazing at a painting is less tedious if you’re weighing up which, if any, of the subjects you’d do. It’s easy for blokes at a John William Waterhouse exhibition as he was into hot redheads and Lady Godiva is naked, but a lot harder with the Bayeux Tapestry, which only has six women and they’re really unrealistic. Who knew 1066 was so sexist?
Maintain the right facial expression
Look interested and alert at all times with no yawning, sighing or glazed eyes. It’s hard but not impossible; if you’re in a relationship and can not look suicidally bored by Love Island or Operation Barbarossa for an hour, you can manage it with Degas painting bloody ballerinas again.
Cast your mind back to the cafe
Museum and gallery cafes tend to be upmarket these days, so think about things you could eat there later – the toasted paninis looked nice, maybe followed by a slice of chocolate cheesecake? You’ll be so lost in your own world of food people will assume you’re captivated by a completely pointless painting of a Dutch woman sitting in her living room.
Read the placard enthusiastically
Show how engaged you are by eagerly reading out the explanatory placards saying things like ‘The vase depicts Heracles in the Garden of the Hesperides in the style of the Hellenistic period’. Then nod sagely and look thoughtful, instead of more truthfully saying: ‘I have no f**king idea what that means.’
Buy loads of postcards
Nothing shows your deep appreciation of art and history like buying a load of postcards and Blu-Tacking them up in your kitchen. If you’ve been to the Bayeux Tapestry they’ll be of Normans and Anglo-Saxons with weirdly elongated bodies who are too big for their horses, so they might even make the rubbish your kids draw look good for once.
