Hull pledges a 'shitload' of culture

THE city of Hull last night pledged to show Britain what culture really is, especially if you are into magicians.

After being named UK City of Culture 2017, Hull insisted it would put on a year of events that would be ‘very classy, even the ones with an intense focus on gratuitous nudity’.

John Prescott, the city’s former MP, said: “We are going to culture the fuck out of this.”

A council spokesman added: “People in Hull like magicians. When Paul Daniels was here a couple of years ago he needed a police escort. It was mental.

“Beyond that we’ll probably have some fancy dancing and a guy who can eat a bike.”


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Camerons have 'the porn chat' on live TV

DAVID and Samantha Cameron have demonstrated to the UK how to discuss opting in for internet pornography.

The excruciatingly awkward conversation on BBC Breakfast will be used as a model by men across the country worried about how to explain their habitual pornography consumption.

The Prime Minister, whose wife thought she was there to talk about education, opened by saying: “Darling, you know quite often I stay up to use the internet after you’ve gone to bed?

“Well, I’m not always monitoring currency fluctuations in Eastern markets.

“I don’t want to bother you because I know how busy you’ve been with the children and your work as a creative consultant and everything, so I just look at a few websites. With, you know, girls on.”

Samantha Cameron demanded clarification of exactly what kind of girls her husband was looking at, to which he replied: “Nice girls, definitely not trafficked, in scenarios with decent production values – candles, mood lighting, that type of thing. Classy.

“Everyone does it. You should see some of the DVDs George brings back from European summits. Have you ever heard of a she-male?”

Samantha Cameron replied: “Why would you do that? Am I not enough for you? Don’t touch me, never touch me again.”

Seeing the colour drain from her husband’s face, she laughed: “You never delete your internet history, you dick. I’ve known for ages. Sometimes I look at porn too.”

After a short pause, the conversation changed to another topic but with an undercurrent of seething resentment.