New waterproof material is least fashionable ever

DADS have hailed a new waterproof clothing material that is utterly unsexy.

Researchers claim the coarse, drab new fabric is 68% less stylish than other waterproofed materials, making it perfect for ageing men who want utilitarian clothing that is utterly devoid of flair.

Textile scientist Emma Bradford said: “This dull material is a major breakthrough for short-tempered, practical older men who need to completely distance themselves from any notions of fashion or style.

“The thickness of the fabric makes it hard to cut, so all the garments end up shapeless. And the default colour is a sort of muddy, unsexual green.”

“We’ll probably call it Rainstop or Staydry, something unexciting like that.”

53-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “It look alright, if you like clothes, which I don’t.”

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People just want to worship their false consumer Gods

Dear Holly,

Having just watched the new John Lewis Christmas advert I have realised people don’t need me anymore: they just want to worship their false consumer Gods and edit out the last shred of traditional Christmas spirit to make way for cute woodland creatures accompanied by Lily Allen singing a Keane song. Satan truly has vanquished the Earth. So I’m considering a career change: Mayor of Toronto or Head of the Cooperative Bank seem to come with good perks. What do you think?



Dear Santa,

You should probably see your school careers officer so you know what direction to take. And don’t worry, these days, the system’s not all geared towards academia. When you first arrive you’ll be given a short interview, asked to complete an aptitude test and then your future career will be revealed. For a dramatic edge, our careers officer likes to set ‘the reveal’ to climactic pop music: anything by Snow Patrol or Adele and you’ll be trotting off to study Sports Science at Loughborough University, but if you hear the intro to I’ll Stand By You by the Pretenders then you’re looking at a part-time job in Costa for the forseeable future.

Hope that helps!