Science mostly made up

MOST scientific discoveries are fabricated in order to get money and fame, a scientist has revealed.

Physicist Professor Julian Cook said he and fellow scientists invent all their findings in order to get grants and BBC2 series.

Professor Cook said: “Take that story about DNA evidence showing that early Homo sapiens went around having rampant sex with other species.

“There’s no way you could find that out just using a bunch of bones. Even Poirot couldn’t do that.

“So you just look at the bones and go ‘mm – shagging’. Suddenly you’re all over the newspapers and on telly, the money’s rolling in and you’ve got a wardrobe assistant asking you which blazer and jeans combo you want to wear on Jonathan Ross.

“Real science is incredibly boring, so it’s better to claim that a giant meteorite is heading for earth, or that killer robots are going to take over.

“There’s no way you’re going to meet Fiona Bruce if you’re just looking at microbes through one of those little desk telescopes.

Science historian Mary Fisher said: “Sir Isaac Newton made up gravity because he wanted to be famous but wasn’t any good at singing or acting.

“The world is actually fully of tiny sucking creatures that keep everything stuck to the floor, but you don’t want to know that because it’s rank.

She added: “Most human ‘knowledge’ is just a form of theatre. For example Brian Cox only has one GCSE in woodwork, his main credentials are memorable hair and a pleasant manner.”

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Vatican team qualifies for World Cup

THE national side of the Vatican, led by player-manager Pope Francis, has beaten Romania to win a place in the World Cup finals.

The team put four goals past their play-off rivals in the second leg, with His Eminence Cardinal Angelo Amato finishing his hat-trick with an overhead bicycle strike from 30 yards.

It completes a remarkable comeback for the smallest country in the world, which was at the bottom of its qualifying group under former manager Pope Benedict XVI before his shock resignation.

Pope Francis said: “I’m confident that with Latin America’s 483 million Catholics rooting for us we can go all the way in Brazil, and if they support any other team they will be cast into Hades and burn eternally.”

Pope Francis’s emphasis on a slick passing game is a marked contrast to his predecessor’s tactic of hoofing the ball up from the back while strikers knelt and prayed for God to guide it into the goal.

Opponents claim that Vatican City’s strip gives them the unfair advantage of hiding the ball under their cassocks, and have criticised officials for allowing incense burners in the technical area.

Fanatical Holy SeeBees fan Stephen Malley said: “Seeing Franny command the midfield really renews your faith in papal infallibility.

“It takes me back to Mexico 86, where we beat West Germany in the final thanks to an absolutely miraculous performance in goal by Pope John Paul II.”