Husband's comic collection earmarked as winter fuel

A MAN is blissfully unaware that his wife has designated his prized collection of superhero comics as a source of heat this winter.

With energy bills rising dramatically despite the government price freeze, Helen Archer has decided husband Julian’s library of pristine Marvel and DC titles will be first in the fire.

Helen Archer said: “Julian has boxes of the things stored away doing nothing. He doesn’t even take them out of the plastic wrapping, for Christ’s sake, so what’s the bloody point?

“He says they’re incredibly valuable, but, unless he’s going to sell them, which he’s not, the only value they have is to keep the house warm this winter. We’ll be able to squeeze through an extra couple of weeks without turning the central heating on.

“I haven’t told him yet, because we’ve been here before. He went into a full on mega-sulk when we ran out of toilet paper early on in lockdown and I suggested that his copy of Batman: The Killing Joke looked like it was printed on high-quality, absorbent paper.

“He’ll put up a fight, of course. But I’ve got the leverage of the vintage Razzle collection which he doesn’t know I know about, so those comics will be ashes come January.”

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Britain an enchanted authoritarian fairytale dystopian kingdom

IF you watched a film where princes and kings paraded around in full regalia while protesters were arrested, it would be too far fetched, experts have agreed.

After almost a week of seeing people playing gold trumpets in silly ceremonial hats while those holding mildly rebellious signs are cuffed and led away, it has been confirmed that the UK is a ridiculous country.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s like we’re currently living in Cinderella crossed with Children of Men, or Minority Report with an unlikely Disney twist.

“Or maybe it’s more akin to The Matrix where we’re meant to be plugged into a delightful magical kingdom and anyone attempting to bring instability to our simulated reality is ruthlessly hunted down and terminated.

“Still, it’s probably best to fully immerse yourself in the theme park fantasy land version of Britain for now, because it’s going to be really bad once this is over and the dark, cold winter of the Truss era sets in.

“So enjoy the bank holiday, have a couple of beers to toast the Queen, and buckle up, because it will be full Hunger Games from then on.”