I'm certainly not up to anything while nobody's looking, says Truss

LIZ Truss has reassured the nation that she is certainly not using the blank cheque of a scrutiny-free opening period as prime minister to do anything bad.

The country’s new leader told Britain, in a low-key no-headlines-necessary way, that she and her team were hard at work on policies to benefit the whole country and not engaged in any kind of behind-the-scenes stitch-up.

She continued: “For example this energy bills business, which we’re putting together while you’re all busy looking at something else and rushing through. That will be brilliantly fair.

“Likewise the bills banning strike action, replacing your old-fashioned European human rights with special Brits-only rights and our new ‘lose your citizenship’ laws are all stuff you’d approve of so don’t need to hear about.

“Why would I be plotting with the vested interests who fund the Tory party, and specifically my leadership campaign, at a time like this? I wouldn’t be. So I’m not.

“You guys all just pay your respects and don’t think about me or my government who aren’t up to anything nefarious. We’ll see you with a load of bold new not-in-the-manifesto policies in a couple of weeks.”

Norman Steele of Worcester said: “To be fair if Boris was still in he’d be throwing a nine-day rager.”

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Man horrified to receive birthday card from mate

AFTER years of friendship, a man has been given a card from a mate for no comprehensible reason other than that it was his birthday. 

Breaking all the rules of male bonding, Stephen Malley received a card from Tom Logan with a yacht on the front and the gushing, over-emotional message ‘Happy Birthday Ste’ inscribed inside.

Malley said: “Tom gave me the card in the pub. He gestured to open it. I did, and read what he’d written. It was a full three minutes before either of us spoke.

“Why would he do this? Is he in touch with his feelings or something like that? And why a yacht? Is it banter, because I can’t swim? I clung to the hope it was a cruel jibe intended to humiliate me but he seemed horrifyingly sincere.

“It sat there on the table like a big, flat, bright yellow, oblong elephant of embarrassment. When the others arrived they never stopped taking the piss, apologising for not getting me one or saying they’d posted it so it would be more special.

“It’s started a chain reaction of awkwardness, idiotic pranks and mockery that will last a lifetime. What was he thinking?”

Logan said: “My wife made me. I knew it was a f**king stupid idea.”