99 per cent of lives continuing entirely as normal

MORE than 99 per cent of British lives have unfolded with breathtaking normality since last Thursday evening, ordinary people have confirmed. 

Across the country, millions have registered the news, expressed routine condolences, and continued to go to work, to the shops and to the pub as if very little in their lives had changed which objectively it has not.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Yeah, I don’t watch daytime BBC so I’m largely unaffected.

“Sad for the family and all that isn’t it? But I didn’t really know her. I’m told she did a fantastic job but then they’re saying that about the new King, so no big change.”

Call centre worker Lucy Parry agreed: “I was out with my mate this weekend and I thought it would come up. It didn’t, because we were mainly talking about Hayley having been dumped by Finn in a WhatsApp group. Not one-on-one, actually in the group.

“Then on Sunday, after I’d cleared my hangover, I went for a Nando’s and to see that Idris Elba film where he fought the lion, so having a new head of state didn’t affect any of that.

“Apparently there’s a bank holiday on Monday, for the funeral? But I’m on shift.”

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Paddington hits out at marmalade sandwich ban on GB News

PADDINGTON Bear has railed against the banning of marmalade sandwiches from the gates of Buckingham Palace on GB News. 

The bear, beloved by children and adults alike, condemned the ‘woke mob’, ‘cancel culture’ and ‘political correctness’ for the decision to ban people from placing marmalade sandwiches in tribute to the Queen.

Paddington said: “The Britain I know believed in freedom of speech. I didn’t realise we were living in China where laying a sandwich on the ground got you arrested and hauled to the gulag.

“The public has the right to pay their respects however they like. As an immigrant from darkest Peru, I felt honoured by their gesture, until woker-than-thou palace officials stamped on that respect.

“I’m the last one to play the race card but that’s what’s happening here. These are the same people burning statues of Churchill and demanding cycle lanes. Again we see the snarling, sneering faces of the intolerant so-called tolerant left.”

Presenter Nigel Farage said: “The Paddington segment has been a ratings hit for us. We’re going to invite him back for his common sense opinions on Remoaners, the trans community and Meghan Markle.”