Iconic female characters clearly created by men who wanted to shag them

RECENTLY the creators of female characters have had to rein in their sexual fantasies slightly. But these are still clearly the work of male nerds who wanted to go out with them.

Harley Quinn

Harley’s relatively demure jester outfit has been replaced by Margot Robbie’s tight t-shirt and tiny hotpants. Harley is insane, and to a male nerd this is wonderfully fascinating. If you’ve ever been out with real women, you’ll realise mental girlfriends are a pain in the arse. You couldn’t go to Tesco without Harley stealing a chocolate orange, getting caught, then probably murdering everyone, when all you wanted was a quiet night in with a bottle of rioja and a lasagne.

Emma Frost 

Ms Frost, of the X-Men universe, has powers that include being able to turn into diamond, long-range mind control and being blonde with big tits. Her outfits are all basically underwear: bra, pants, a bustier if it’s nippy and a lingerie-style cape. Basically, she couldn’t be a more blatant sexual fantasy if she carried condoms and lube. Ladies be warned – this is how you’ll have to dress in a Handmaid’s Tale-style dystopia if the patriarchy are all superhero nerds. 

Number Six 

Number Six, played by former model, Tricia Helfer, is a Cylon, one of the evil robots from Battlestar Galactica. But conveniently she’s an incredibly hot cyborg indistinguishable from a human. It kind of makes sense if you’re infiltrating Earth’s defences, but the main reason (apart from ratings) is surely that no man would put his penis anywhere near the other Cylons’ moving metal parts.

Lara Croft

Lara’s large breasts, tiny waist and microscopic shorts are credited to games designer Toby Gard, but no one subsequently thought to give her Royal Marines-issue kit more suited to jungles and abrasive environments like, say, tombs. Lara would actually be a huge disappointment for any man going out with her, as the first thing she’d do is change into comfy jogging bottoms, a sports bra and sweatshirt.


Milla Jovovich’s character in Resident Evil fights off hordes of mutants in what appears to be a cocktail dress, later a black, skintight catsuit, which all sci-fi-horror-action heroines seem to own (see Underworld). Alice has no personality, almost as if a male scriptwriter forgot to give her one. But is it strictly necessary for women to have a personality? Discuss.

Wonder Woman

The conclusion you’re forced to draw is that Wonder Woman’s various creators were primarily concerned with how hot she looked. Shocking, we know. But it was actually scary watching Lynda Carter run in those heels, and while Gal Gadot’s outfit looks more like ancient armour, it might have been a good idea to protect her legs. Okay, Diana is largely impervious to physical damage, but in that case why bother with a costume at all? Although that would get audiences back into cinemas after the shitshow that was Wonder Woman 1984.


Catwoman’s outfit is a bad case of form over function. Even the worst-prepared house burglar at least takes a screwdriver, but Catwoman just shows up in a catsuit with ridiculous pointy ears. Since the 1960s her outfits have got stranger, with Halle Berry wearing what appears to be BDSM gear off Wish.com. Christopher Nolan did strike a blow for female emancipation when he gave Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman a small utility belt. Perfect for keeping her lippy and tampons in.

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How to get through long, empty days without flicking This Morning on: A guide for Holly by Phil

HOLLY, you’ve quit This Morning for the sake of your family, but the kids are at school, your husband’s at work and the TV remote is right there.

Wondering how to get through the day without resorting to the nation’s favourite tranquiliser? I’ve been doing it since May. Here’s my advice.

Bong hits

If you really need to lose a few hours and can’t flick on ITV without seething at f**king give-me-all-the-jobs Hammond, I recommend cannabis. Pack the bowl, inhale the smoke. Three hours will have passed without anything happening except slumping on the sofa and drooling. It practically is This Morning.


Now you’re on the other side of the screen, why not do what the viewers do? Sprawl out and crack one out using only your reflection for stimulation. It’s a real leveller, realising your long career and decades of renown amount to no more than a lazy tug.


Honestly, the morning flies by with festering vengeful urges. Focus on every bastard you hate and who’s destroyed your career for their own idle amusement. Plot revenge, perhaps even draw pictures. Before you know it it’s time for the school run.

Living in filth

You can’t do anything around the house because that would only remind you of This Morning. Cooking, cleaning, organising your wardrobe, or speculating about the love lives of minor celebrities all give you flashbacks, never mind when Rylan pops round. Live in total squalor and order Deliveroo.

Be glad you don’t have to present Dancing On Ice any more

There’s always a silver lining, and in our case it’s that we’ve escaped from that piece of shit. A sub-Strictly parade of near-celebrities skidding about on ice with nobody even bothering to make GIFs when they fall on their arses? I chuckle through whole mornings knowing I’m out of that bullshit. Join me.