If our world becomes even one per cent less cosy we will riot, warn Radio 2 listeners

RADIO 2 listeners have warned that there is only so much unfamiliarity they can cope with before armed revolution.

The departure of Simon Mayo, and the fear of that he could be replaced by someone whose voice listeners have not heard a thousand times before, has white people aged between 35 and 65 ready to overthrow the government. 

Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: “Jo Whiley was bad enough. I always had the feeling she was secretly pulling mocking faces because I’m not ‘cool’. 

“Now we’re facing the very real danger of them putting somebody new on whose voice actually penetrates my consciousness instead of acting like a soothing blanket of reassurance. 

“If that happens I might look up, realise it’s all nonsense, reverse my Citroën Picasso through John Lewis’ plate glass and load it up with florals. I just wouldn’t give a s-h-one-t anymore.” 

The warning comes amid plans to bring the UK under immediate martial law if anything were to happen to Ken Bruce’s mid-morning quiz PopMaster.