If our world becomes even one per cent less cosy we will riot, warn Radio 2 listeners

RADIO 2 listeners have warned that there is only so much unfamiliarity they can cope with before armed revolution.

The departure of Simon Mayo, and the fear of that he could be replaced by someone whose voice listeners have not heard a thousand times before, has white people aged between 35 and 65 ready to overthrow the government. 

Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, said: “Jo Whiley was bad enough. I always had the feeling she was secretly pulling mocking faces because I’m not ‘cool’. 

“Now we’re facing the very real danger of them putting somebody new on whose voice actually penetrates my consciousness instead of acting like a soothing blanket of reassurance. 

“If that happens I might look up, realise it’s all nonsense, reverse my Citroën Picasso through John Lewis’ plate glass and load it up with florals. I just wouldn’t give a s-h-one-t anymore.” 

The warning comes amid plans to bring the UK under immediate martial law if anything were to happen to Ken Bruce’s mid-morning quiz PopMaster. 

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World's oldest intact shipwreck can't be that intact or it wouldn't have sunk

THE world’s ‘oldest intact shipwreck’ must have a hole in it somewhere or it would not be a shipwreck, experts have reasoned. 

The discovery of a 2,400-year-old vessel at the bottom of the Black Sea has some experts claiming its mast, rudders, rowing benches and hull are perfectly preserved, and others calling bullshit. 

Maritime archaeologist Julian Cook said: “Completely intact? What happened then, did it just forget how to float? 

“Stands to reason it suffered some damage. You check that hull properly and I bet there’s a great big hole in it somewhere, where the water came in. 

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a great discovery, but let’s not get carried away. When I was a kid they went on about how incredibly preserved the Mary Rose was. Have you seen it? It’s a fucking wreck.

“Or the alternative is that it is completely intact, but it was just a really, really crap ship. In which case who cares anyway.”