If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next, and other songs that are major self-owns

RECORDING crap for money? Sometimes your subconscious gives you away by announcing it’s bollocks in the lyrics, like these:  

If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next, Manic Street Preachers, 1998

Heedless of the warning, we continued to tolerate a band who should have split in 1992 and now our children are exposed to them in the mid-afternoon slot at festivals. Discusses the Spanish Civil War with all the academic rigour of a spaniel which got loose in Waterstones and chewed up history books.

Too Much, Spice Girls, 1997

By the second single off their second album, post-movie, we had all had too much of the Spice Girls. A mania as inexplicable as the hula hoop or Wellerman had run its course and this was nonsense yelled over a samba beat. Nevertheless it was number one at Christmas because Britain doesn’t know how to let novelty go.

So Bad, Paul McCartney, 1983

Well into his Pipes of Peace and Frog Song days, McCartney churned out this evidence that it was all over and he was a touring act at best. A ballad so mawkish it takes the biscuit, eats it and sicks it back up again with icing still pink. ‘Girl I love you so bad,’ sings the former Beatle, every note proving his point.

Where Did It All Go Wrong?, Oasis, 2000

Be Here Now is the succinct answer. Emerging from a haze of cocaine and Britpop the band blinked, looked around and realised they’d f**ked it. Instead of quitting they staggered on to make further albums on which Liam, unforgivably, was allowed to write songs.

Again and Again, Status Quo, 1978

The Quo built a career out of releasing the same song again and again. Is this single a cheeky wink from a band who can’t believe they’re getting away with it? Or are they repeatedly playing that tedious blues riff with a complete lack of self-awareness? Either way, they sold millions while laughing in the face of creativity and innovation.

Time Will Crawl, David Bowie

After a decade of shapeshifting genius, Bowie’s persona for the late 1980s was that of talentless pop hack. Released at Bowie’s creative low, the title perfectly captures the experience of listening to it. Four minutes and twenty seconds that seem to last forever.

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If Danny Dyer is not a proud gay man, why does he leave us so many clues?

AT this point, to assert that Danny Dyer is heterosexual is not just ignorant. It is an act of wilful blindness to the myriad clues he has left his fans. 

Perhaps early on, the hints to his queer identity were better hidden. Many viewers of Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men entirely missed the homosexual subtext, though it glared out like an oiled twink under a mirrorball.

But to those who still offensively maintain he is het, look at the evidence. Look at The Football Factory, where he spends every moment with men engaging in vicious fistfights that are mere stand-ins for sodomy.

Look at his performance in 2012’s Run For Your Wife where he plays a bigamist – a man living a double life – in a performance so unconvincing nobody who saw it could ever believe he was heterosexual ever again. But so few did.

Look at EastEnders: how did Mick first appear? In a kimono. In that moment Danny came out to a world that just wasn’t ready to hear it, that stuck its fingers in its ears and sang la, la, la.

His long marriage, his three children, his rumoured affair with Sarah Harding? All as nothing compared to the rainbow trail of sourdough challah crumbs he’s been leaving behind for those attuned.

We pity you for deluding yourselves. For not seeing what shines out of Danny. For ignoring him when he says ‘I’m here, I’m a ginger, get f**king used to it you slags.’

Mick will soon return to EastEnders. He will arrive and resume his position as landlord of the Queen Vic with his new partner, Max Branning. The Christmas special will be their marriage, and the world will cheer.