Five necessary precautions to take before making a sex tape

THINKING of filming an act of intimate and incriminating love with a partner? Take these precautions before saying ‘action’: 

Don’t be famous

While it is commonly a mistake to film yourself f**king, people are not as a general rule keen to see you naked or they’d have asked. But give your name a quick Google before being filmed clumsily shagging, because if you turn out to be Prince Andrew the world will be notably more intrigued. If you have a Wikipedia, stop.

Actually record it on tape

Invest in vintage VHS. The poor quality is so much more forgiving and isn’t on a constantly internet-connected device full of apps whose permissions you didn’t read. A single hard copy of your sexual exploits is still a risk, but write ‘Newsnight 11/6/98-15/6/98’ on the spine and you’re golden.

Check who your partner is

It’s always worth asking a few questions before being filmed banging away like a Bargain Hunt auctioneer. Long-term partner? Go on, but you’ll never watch it. One-night stand? Best not. Girl you’ve been introduced to by a billionaire in a very specific room with a large mirror set directly into a wall? Perhaps not, former president.

Keep recognisable features out of shot

Obviously this means your sweating, grimacing face stays hidden, greatly improving watchability, but watch out for prominent tattoos. Unless you’ve got the same ones as everyone else, like everyone has. Hide all birthmarks. Ideally your sex tape should be a mass of thrusting pixels with robot voices.

Don’t subcontract

Hiring a cameraman is a bad idea. A boom mike operator would add clarity but is another risk. And never allow a friend with a private island to film your lovemaking on condition he keeps a copy. It may not simply be to watch on long winter evenings and remember happier times.

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'Post Office scandal' added to 'tuition fees' on list of Lib Dem achievements

THE list of achievements from the Liberal Democrats’ time in office has just doubled with the addition of the Post Office scandal. 

The party’s record when in government with the Conservatives has gone up 100 per cent with the revelation that Ed Davey ignored the scandal while postal affairs minister between 2010-2012.

Davey said: “First, the public now knows I was in government once. That’s got to count as a win.

“Previously they had no idea I was postal affairs minister and, I freely admit, neither did I. I thought I was energy secretary but apparently that was later on.

“Second, this distracts from going back on our promise not to introduce tuition fees which has hung over us ever since. Being associated with the wrongful conviction of hundreds of innocents really switches up the narrative.

“And for this to occur now just as I’m leader is exceptional timing. Though Jo Swinson was involved as well, if anyone remembers her, so it runs through from root to branch.

“We didn’t just do that. We also forced a referendum to change the electoral system to make it easier for the Liberal Democrats to get elected but the public voted against it. Never been sure why.”