THINKING of filming an act of intimate and incriminating love with a partner? Take these precautions before saying ‘action’:
Don’t be famous
While it is commonly a mistake to film yourself f**king, people are not as a general rule keen to see you naked or they’d have asked. But give your name a quick Google before being filmed clumsily shagging, because if you turn out to be Prince Andrew the world will be notably more intrigued. If you have a Wikipedia, stop.
Actually record it on tape
Invest in vintage VHS. The poor quality is so much more forgiving and isn’t on a constantly internet-connected device full of apps whose permissions you didn’t read. A single hard copy of your sexual exploits is still a risk, but write ‘Newsnight 11/6/98-15/6/98’ on the spine and you’re golden.
Check who your partner is
It’s always worth asking a few questions before being filmed banging away like a Bargain Hunt auctioneer. Long-term partner? Go on, but you’ll never watch it. One-night stand? Best not. Girl you’ve been introduced to by a billionaire in a very specific room with a large mirror set directly into a wall? Perhaps not, former president.
Keep recognisable features out of shot
Obviously this means your sweating, grimacing face stays hidden, greatly improving watchability, but watch out for prominent tattoos. Unless you’ve got the same ones as everyone else, like everyone has. Hide all birthmarks. Ideally your sex tape should be a mass of thrusting pixels with robot voices.
Hiring a cameraman is a bad idea. A boom mike operator would add clarity but is another risk. And never allow a friend with a private island to film your lovemaking on condition he keeps a copy. It may not simply be to watch on long winter evenings and remember happier times.