Woman listening to friend's problems interrupts to explain how she would have handled them better

A WOMAN listening to her friend’s woes has stopped her to explain how she would have dealt with the situation far more effectively. 

Sophie Rodriguez had reached the third act of the saga of poor service at a nail salon when Lucy Parry stepped in and told her how she, Lucy, would have done so much better in her place.

Parry continued: “I said I wouldn’t put up with that shit, and if I’d been there I’d have punched the manicurist in the tit and demanded my money back.

“Never mind that no sane person would ever actually do that except in heavily fictionalised anecdotes, because I wasn’t there and so there’s absolutely no way of proving otherwise.

“She dared doubt me. I said ‘I would, you know’ and reminded her that if she’d banged her boyfriend’s brother, like I would have, she wouldn’t be single now. ‘You never take my advice,’ I added.

“Sophie’s problems are a great, no-risk way for me to hypothesise how I’d behave in made-up scenarios – well, I suppose they’re real to her – and it turns out every time I’d do brilliantly. She should learn from me.”

Rodriguez said: “Never do anything Lucy says she’d do and you won’t go far wrong.”

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'My grandad wasn't gassed at Ypres so women could slag about': a first date with Joey Barton

ARE you lucky enough to have a date with former Man-City-before-they-were-good player Joey Barton? These conversational pearls will slip from his lips: 

‘Did you sleep your way to the top?’

This is bound to come up if talking about your job. Joey knows full well female football commentators only got in by sleeping with Gary Lineker and expects the same of you, even if you work in Tesco. Don’t deny it. He respects a woman who’s sucked someone off for a go on the Whoops! sticker gun.

‘My grandad wasn’t gassed at Ypres so women could be slags’

If it wasn’t for brave men like Joey’s grandad he wouldn’t have free speech to express his important opinion that women are basically whores. He’ll ensure you understand the full gravity of that 1917 sacrifice by explaining how mustard gas makes your lungs fill up with bloody mucus, even if it’s putting you off your bolognese.

‘Shut up about man things’

You may try to comment on things only men understand. He’ll nip this in the bud. Areas women should not speak of include: fishing, science, cars, films, politics, food, aliens, animals and beer. To be honest it’s not a huge problem, because you’ll mainly be discussing Joey’s goals and court appearances.

‘Women have smaller brains, therefore the Lionesses lost 1-0 to Spain’

Because woman have big hips for babies they have small brains, like walnuts. Which is why women’s football is such a joke. When a ball comes towards them they won’t give it a good kick because they think it’s a baby and start lactating, Joey explains kindly, worrying you’ll struggle with the long words.

‘Did we fight Nazi zombies so perverts can use ladies’ toilets?’

In the war Britain stood alone against the Nazi zombies, and all for what? For men to go in women’s toilets? Joey brushes aside any attempt to inform him that the Nazis weren’t zombies and never conquered the moon. ‘I know what he saw,’ he hisses.

‘Do you want me to arm wrestle that bloke over there?’

By this point, Joey is less than coherent. It is unclear which man he is referring to, or what point he feels it will prove. Your response is irrelevant, because he will not hear anything you say.

‘You’re like Rose West’

Ultimately, Joey will close the date by comparing you, because you are a woman, to Rose West. If you don’t like it you can’t take a joke, and the last thing he has time for is a relationship with a self-important twat who has no idea what an arse they’re making of themselves.