ARE you lucky enough to have a date with former Man-City-before-they-were-good player Joey Barton? These conversational pearls will slip from his lips:
‘Did you sleep your way to the top?’
This is bound to come up if talking about your job. Joey knows full well female football commentators only got in by sleeping with Gary Lineker and expects the same of you, even if you work in Tesco. Don’t deny it. He respects a woman who’s sucked someone off for a go on the Whoops! sticker gun.
‘My grandad wasn’t gassed at Ypres so women could be slags’
If it wasn’t for brave men like Joey’s grandad he wouldn’t have free speech to express his important opinion that women are basically whores. He’ll ensure you understand the full gravity of that 1917 sacrifice by explaining how mustard gas makes your lungs fill up with bloody mucus, even if it’s putting you off your bolognese.
‘Shut up about man things’
You may try to comment on things only men understand. He’ll nip this in the bud. Areas women should not speak of include: fishing, science, cars, films, politics, food, aliens, animals and beer. To be honest it’s not a huge problem, because you’ll mainly be discussing Joey’s goals and court appearances.
‘Women have smaller brains, therefore the Lionesses lost 1-0 to Spain’
Because woman have big hips for babies they have small brains, like walnuts. Which is why women’s football is such a joke. When a ball comes towards them they won’t give it a good kick because they think it’s a baby and start lactating, Joey explains kindly, worrying you’ll struggle with the long words.
‘Did we fight Nazi zombies so perverts can use ladies’ toilets?’
In the war Britain stood alone against the Nazi zombies, and all for what? For men to go in women’s toilets? Joey brushes aside any attempt to inform him that the Nazis weren’t zombies and never conquered the moon. ‘I know what he saw,’ he hisses.
‘Do you want me to arm wrestle that bloke over there?’
By this point, Joey is less than coherent. It is unclear which man he is referring to, or what point he feels it will prove. Your response is irrelevant, because he will not hear anything you say.
‘You’re like Rose West’
Ultimately, Joey will close the date by comparing you, because you are a woman, to Rose West. If you don’t like it you can’t take a joke, and the last thing he has time for is a relationship with a self-important twat who has no idea what an arse they’re making of themselves.