Sexting actually very stressful

SENDING sexually explicit messages to arouse a partner is actually confusing, stressful and easily ruined by autocorrect, lovers have confirmed. 

The practice is meant to be an intimate moment shared only between two people and their mobile service provider but in reality combines all the awkwardness of sex with none of the genital stimulation.

Nathan Muir, aged 43, said: “Describing the mechanics of sex really detracts from the fun of it. It’s like watching snooker blindfolded.

“And what do you say? I want to be accurate during our erotic exchanges so that it’s broadly realistic while not ruining the mood, but it’s irritating when a minute ago her hand was on my thigh and now it’s apparently rubbing my chest. Did it move? When?

“Then she asks me if she’s been a naughty girl. Saying ‘yes’ seems the right way to go, but she’s a 42-year-old bookmaker’s assistant from Chorley and I’m not sure she qualifies. What’s naughty? Can you be spanked for driving in the bus lane?

“And that’s before we move to the climax. Am I supposed to act out an orgasm? Do I have to repeatedly type ‘oh f**k yes’? Or do I send ‘huig94gt9r5eghiig’ to imply I’ve lost control of my typing? Because that’s not very sexy.”

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'It's only a cold so piss off,' says GP's answerphone

THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off. 

Patients attempting to book appointments have instead been told the symptoms of the common cold, told they are suffering from the common cold and told they are wasting the doctor’s valuable time.

The recording, which can barely hide its contempt, said: “Sore throat, swollen glands and runny nose, is it? Take two f**k offs and call me in the morning, dickhead.

“You come down with the sniffles this time every year, remember? And not once has it lead to any life-threatening health complications. You’ve just got to ride it out for a week without coming whining to me.

“There are patients with genuine illnesses, and you want to stagger in blasting out shotgun sneezes to be told to take paracetamol and get plenty of rest? Where’s your self-respect?

“Of course, if you are in fact dealing with something serious, then we’ll give you shit for not coming in sooner. Don’t like it? Go private. We won’t miss you.”

Patient Tom Booker said: “Straight to the point, no nonsense advice. I can see why they haven’t answered the phone since 2019.”