If you touch CBeebies we will destroy you, parents warn government

PARENTS of children under six have warned the government that if it lays a finger on CBeebies they will burn Westminster down. 

The warning came as the BBC advised that any changes to the licence fee would leave them no option but to shutter the channel, a surrogate babysitter to millions. 

But Tom Logan, a father of three pre-school children, said: “I am pouring the molotov cocktails right now. 

“If there is even a hint of Something Special being taken off the air, this pitchfork will be going through the culture secretary before the Numtums have time to count the prongs. 

“You can hire Ann Widdecombe to read the news, sell Doctor Who to Disney and make every episode of Casualty a hymn of praise to BUPA, but CBeebies is where I draw the line. 

“It isn’t just a TV channel. It is freedom, it is happiness, it is very life itself. 

“Also, the performances of Sid and Rebecca in Let’s Play are an acting masterclass that put the RSC to shame.” 

A government spokesman said: “These parents need to realise that the free market, which produces shows like He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and Jungle Junction, is far superior. 

“Oh. I seem to have a flaming crossbow bolt in my chest.” 

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Ask Holly: How about Geriatric Karaoke?

Dear Holly,

Now that bint Rita Ora has slung her hook, I’m the only one left on the X Factor panel, but I don’t care, because I’ve had an excellent idea for making my next billion: it’s called Geriatric Health Complaint Karaoke, inspired by Axl Rose doing Brian Johnson sitting down with a gammy leg. Can you believe, the fans loved it? Imagine George Michael reprising Wham! with terribly high blood pressure, or Tiffany making a comeback with a walking frame? And what about Tony Hadley belting out Gold whilst having his prostate examined! Do you think I’m onto something? 

Simon Cowell

Los Angeles

Dear Simon,

My daddy has loads of things called CDs, which, apparently is how people used to listen to music in the olden days. He doesn’t let me touch them because he says they won’t work with my sticky fingers all over them, but when he isn’t there I sometimes get them out and use them as a space-age hat for Barbie. If you put them in the PlayStation they actually do play music but it is really upsetting to listen to and all seems to be by sinister religious cults called M-People and The Lighthouse Family. I’m glad my father has left that terrible chapter of his life behind.

Hope that helps,