Friend lost to aspirational bullshit

FRIENDS of 31-year-old Julian Cook fear they have lost him forever after he embraced aspirational bullshit.

Sales representative Cook was ‘a good guy’ until he discovered Range Rovers, ‘the Cotswolds’ and restaurants with Michelin stars.

Former friend Roy Hobbs said: “It’s so sad, he was a young man with interesting opinions who didn’t care if his clothes were uncool.

“Then one day he turned up at my house in a quilted Barbour jacket, talking about how he’d just ‘dropped’ five grand on a gas barbecue.

“Now he’s dead to us. Worse than dead.”

Cook’s stool at the pub now sits empty because he spends his evenings at a private gym or eating ‘dry aged’ steaks with his new friends who all like golf and rugby.

Former girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “He never took himself that seriously, and even used to read comics.

“Then he started hanging out with his managers from work, collecting wine and talking about how George Osborne was actually a good bloke.

“The final straw was the salmon pink polo shirt. I knew then that he would soon be gone from our lives.”

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Bird worried nest looks pretty lame

A BIRD is sceptical that a flimsy construction of twigs and mud is suitable to live in, he has admitted.

Robin Tom Logan followed his nest-building instincts to the letter but now wishes he had used bricks and mortar.

Logan said: “There are gaps everywhere and all that’s keeping it up the tree is wedging it between two branches. Who designed this piece of shit?

“I am seriously worried that when I step inside my foot’s going to go through the floor. I don’t think this is a safe environment to raise fledgelings in, not to mention the lack of privacy.

“I’ve been looking at humans’ nests and they’ve got it sorted with their walls, tiled roofs and doors with locks. Glass windows are a brilliant idea too, apart from when you fly into one.

“This grass-and-twigs deathtrap won’t offer much protection if a cat gets up here. And is it so unreasonable to want a modest patio for the summer?

“I’d like to shore the whole thing up with some two-by-four and wood screws, but that’s easier said than done when you’re four inches tall with feathers for hands.”