Male receptionist sent home for not wearing codpiece


A RECEPTIONIST at a leading City firm has been sent home without pay for refusing to wear a black leather codpiece. 

29-year-old Joseph Turner insisted he could still perform his duties while wearing a basic cricket box, but was told that it would not meet the professional standards that clients expect.

Turner said: “It’s not just the codpiece.

“It’s the way you have to stand, hands behind head, hips thrust forward, gyrating your whole groin area while you ask if they’d like tea or coffee.

“The week before I was actually wearing a full gold codpiece with chains and Swarovski crystal detailing but still got a verbal warning because my rolling crotch thrusts weren’t fluid enough.

“I asked my boss if she would wear a codpiece for an eight-hour shift, then the tube home, and she just laughed and said I was being ridiculous.”

A spokesman for Turner’s employer said: “Oh my God, this is so not sexist.

“That is disgusting. If you think this is a sexual thing, that’s come from your mind. That is on you.”

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Man permanently scarred by four-star review of Radiohead album

A RADIOHEAD fan will never fully recover from reading a four-star review of their last album, it has emerged. 

38-year-old Nathan Muir, of Reading, said the less-than-perfect review for A Moon Shaped Pool has left him with long-term post-traumatic stress disorder. 

He continued: “When the album came out, all I could do was hope. Surely this time. Surely the reviewers would realise the harm they could do. 

“But when the first review arrived, in the Guardian, it was as plain as day. Four stars. Only four stars. 

“I tried to believe their review system had switched to a four-star scale. I tried to make them see reason by threatening to burn down their office in the comments section.

“Not only is the rating recorded on Wikipedia for generations to come, it’s brought the album’s Metacritic score to below Beyonce’s Lemonade, and she’s a woman. 

“I haven’t slept since. All I can see are those four stars burned in my retina, sapping my strength, leaving me hopelessly, wretchedly depressed. 

“Also I’ve been listening to a lot of Radiohead, which doesn’t help.”