'I'll put it on my list,' and other ways to ignore people's shitty film recommendations

A FRIEND has insisted for the 16th time that you simply must watch Donnie Darko or some other ‘classic’. Here are ways to excuse yourself for another few years.

‘I’ll put it on my list’

You don’t actually have a list. Your ‘list’ is a vague recollection of some pretentious wanker telling you to watch a black-and-white Russian film where some people talk in a shed, and your horrible friend Dave’s recommendation of The Wolf of Wall Street ‘because you can see Margot Robbie’s minge’. ‘Putting it on your list’ kicks the can down the road for a few weeks, at which point you can say…

‘I don’t have streaming’

It’s plausible that you don’t have Disney+, or Apple TV. If it’s Netflix, you’re in riskier territory, especially if you’ve just been telling them how much you love Stranger Things. Deter film recommendations, and friendships, and sexual partners, by just telling everyone you only watch your Dad’s Army box sets.

‘That director/actor/writer/costume designer is problematic for me’

Not only do you get to ignore their shitty recommendation, you get to be smug about taking the moral high ground, no matter how minor the infraction. Tarantino’s foot obsession is exploitative, DiCaprio’s age gaps are indefensible, boring Polanski retrospectives are definitely out. If stuck for something, claim the script supervisor is a racist. 

‘I don’t like scary movies’

This works like a charm for everything from full-blown horror like The Exorcist to something mildly unsettling, like Beetlejuice. Claiming to be freaked out by ‘uncanny valley’ CGI is also quite trendy and gets you out of things like The Polar Express. Just be sure to delete that Facebook post with your unhealthily enthusiastic ‘top ten’ of the best maimings, amputations and gougings in the Hostel films.

‘I want to see it on a better screen’

A friend recommends Avatar 2. But it’s a three-hour slog, and when it comes to blue people The Smurfs 2 had a deeper message. Say the phenomenal SFX would be wasted on your tiny telly. Then never invite your friend over again, lest they see the 75-inch 4K Ultra HD Smart TV you just bought from Currys. Of course you could be a true cinephile and see it in an IMAX, but it’s a long drive and frankly if it was a choice between Smurfette and that Na’vi woman, it’d be Smurfette every time.

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How to pick the worst possible moment for sex

SEX is loads of fun, so surely there can’t be a bad time for it? Unfortunately there can, as you’ll discover when you attempt to shag in these circumstances.

In the morning

You may have woken up with a hard-on but you didn’t wake up with a mouth full of Listerine. There’s also a possibility your partner will prefer an extra slap of the snooze button to your sweaty genitals. By the time you’ve steeled yourself for a shower your partner is lost to James Martin’s Saturday Morning anyway. Does he know how many shags he’s ruined? Does he care? Stick your fluffy omelette up your arse, Martin.

In the daytime

Yes, you’re both working from home, but you’ve only just got dressed, so it feels like a waste to take all your clothes off again. You struggle to stay awake through your afternoon Zoom calls at the best of times, so throw in some post-coital fatigue and there’s no way you’re making it to the end of Zoe’s sales recap without slumping on your desk like the victim of a hidden sniper.

In the evening

After a long day’s work the only thing any sane person wants down their throat is a fistful of salty snacks. And by the time you’ve had a drink too many and knocked back a microwave moussaka, your deepest fantasy is propping your bloated belly on the sofa and the sweet oblivion only The Bear can bring. Suggesting sex would actually be bad for your relationship at this point.

During the night

You can’t get to sleep and you think perhaps foisting your horniness on the person next to you might do the trick. But then you realise you’re still 40 per cent asleep and neither of you have the energy to manage anything more than a perfunctory few thrusts in missionary. If you do persevere to the bitter end you’ll feel guilty about making your slightly tetchy partner tired the next day. It’s real issues like this they should be teaching in sex ed.

Sunday morning

You’re clear for a shot at sex, surely. Only you’ve got to wait for the hangover to pass. Then a hearty breakfast seems like a brilliant idea until you feel a bit nauseous. Suddenly it’s late Sunday afternoon, with Monday morning creeping menacingly closer, and the pressure’s on to extract some sexual pleasure from this disappointing day. You give up and watch telly. You can always have thrilling spontaneous sex when you get in from work tomorrow, right? Yes, that will definitely happen.