Is your song bland enough for Radio 2?

SONGS aiming for the lucrative Radio 2 playlist have to be bland enough to offend no-one while remaining just about memorable. Here’s how to make your ditty dull enough to soar: 

Include a reference to a mundane, everyday item such as pastry, toast or your brother’s knee. This makes your song relatable to people who like pastries, eat toast and have brothers with knees.

Do you pronounce the word love as ‘lurve’ or ‘luuurve’, even though you’re rhyming it with ‘above’, ‘like a glove’ and ‘Brighton and Hove’? Are there at least 73 repeated mentions of ‘love’ in two verses, four choruses and a bridge? You’re getting there.

Are most of your backing vocals ‘la la la’, which you’ve rhymed with ‘la la la’? Now nobody needs to learn the words to sing along. Steve Wright in the Afternoon will be delighted.

Is the melody unvaried enough for it to register as white noise? Can the whole song go through your Nan’s hearing aid without trouble, the same way her blended meals pass smoothly down her throat?

Is the track not quite fast enough to do CPR to? Imagine someone’s unconscious and you’re pumping their chest to the tempo of your song. Do they just about stay dead?

Have you included not just one key change but also a second to cover the cracks when you’re about to run out of tune again? You’ve just given Ken Bruce listeners the biggest sexual thrill since they got all the answers on PopMaster.

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Woman hoping to bounce back from decade of drinking and smoking with sheet mask

A 34-YEAR-OLD woman believes she can reverse the damage inflicted by years of fags and booze with a rejuvenating face mask.

Eleanor Shaw of Leeds discovered the hydrating and plumping sheet mask in Superdrug while looking for ways to lessen the toll chain-smoking her way through her twenties has taken on her skin.

She said: “I stared in the mirror this morning, after another midweek bender, while I was reheating last night’s burger in the microwave, and thought: I’ve got to do something about the way I’m treating my body.

“It was one of those wake up calls where I either have to completely overhaul my lifestyle, or turn to at-home beauty treatments that have really comforting words on the packaging.

“This mask is not only ‘anti-ageing’ and ‘restorative’, it also contains ‘vital ingredients’. It’ll turn back the decades. When I go and buy wine this lunchtime, I’ll probably get ID-checked for having the pale, unblemished skin of a toddler.

“Though I’ll settle for nobody knowing I’m regularly up until 2am with Netflix, a litre of Jack Daniels and a six-pack of Wotsits.”

She added: “How long do you have to keep this thing on for? Can I smoke through it?”