'It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea': deep profundities to find in TV theme tunes

LYING on the sofa hungover, watching repeats of old sitcoms or childrens’ TV? You’re actually a philosopher like Socrates. Professor Joseph Turner explains why: 

‘Where it all comes from is a mystery, it’s like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea’ – Only Fools and Horses, 1981

Compared to the seasons of the earth and the mighty ocean, man is powerless. We are each of us humbled by forces greater than ourselves whether our planet’s orbit around the sun, the moon’s orbit around us, or the market forces that keep Trotters’ Independent Traders insolvent in Peckham.

‘Can we fix it? Yes, we can’ – Bob the Builder, 1999

When our lives are broken, our phones lost and our trousers fouled after nine pints of Guinness the day before, it’s easy to give up. But Bob doesn’t. He builds a soaring edifice from rubble, using a hammer of willpower, nails of determination, a JCB of resolve and a cement mixer of love.

‘So no-one told you life was going to be this way’ – Friends, 1994

If we had a roadmap of our futures, we’d make different decisions. We might not have a kebab, go on to a club and get kicked out by the doorstaff. Yet life is made vibrant by the thrill of uncertainty. Revel in it. Turn left at the crossroads, or right? Call in sick or don’t call in at all? Watch another episode of Friends or go for a piss?

‘What’s the story in Balamory, wouldn’t you like to know?’ – Balamory, 2002

The human urge to gossip has a powerful hold on our psyches. We feel left out of the loop when something’s going on that we aren’t privy to. We need to accept that, just as we have no idea what happened between leaving the pub and waking up in a strangers’ garden five miles away, we may never truly know.

‘Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got’ – Cheers, 1982

Life can certainly leave you drained. It feels like you’re giving it everything, yet you’re barely standing still on the treadmill of reality. It certainly helps to go where everybody knows your name. Especially if it sells alcohol.

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Six great ways the Tories can get out of this f**king mess

IT may seem to the Conservative party there is no easy way out of the complete shitstorm they have created for themselves. But there are: 


If a nuclear reactor can go from being deadly Windscale to visitor-friendly Sellafield, why not the Tories? Change the name to the focus-grouped Blue Harbour, dress MPs in Blue Harbour, refuse to answer questions about those dirty old Conservatives and their failed government, win a fifth term.

New leader bounce

Announce a new leader – probably Mordaunt, ITV viewers have fond memories of her in a swimsuit – and a general election on the same day. Ride those honeymoon vibes, refuse to release any policies then nick Labour’s, and pray that the public’s dumb enough to fall for it.

Ghost Britain

Nobody turns up to do Today on Radio 4. Nobody answers the door at Downing Street. The Commons is half-empty. Laura Kuenssberg’s WhatsApps go unanswered. Like the crew of the Marie Celeste, the Tories have simply gone. Say what you like about them. They’re not there.

Embrace socialism

Dull old safe-hands Starmer’s left plenty of room on the left, so take it. Claim to have learned such a harsh lesson from the last month that you’re fully converted. Promise to Just Stop Oil, full nationisation of all utilities, free trains, universal basic income, legal weed, 97 per cent top tax rate. Outflank the bastards.

Cut and run

Commandeer an aircraft carrier. Load it up with wealth. Loot the museums, strip the art galleries, liquidise every asset and turn it into gold. Get every Tory MP and Lord and donor on board and set sail for Brazil. Leave Britain to sort itself out. Show them what ingratitude gets you.

Stay in power for another two years not giving a f**k

Prime minister a fiasco? Hugely behind in the polls? Country in recession? Even the Telegraph questioning your sacred Brexit? Not your problem. Next election’s not until December 2024. Brazen it out, you never know, something might turn up. They can’t get rid of you whatever.