Don't even f**king think about it

THE Conservative party has been advised to not even f**king think about doing the thing they are very clearly considering. 

As the government casts wildly around to escape its certain fate, the electorate has advised them that the obvious solution to their lack of a prime minister is the worst solution possible.

Carolyn Ryan of Tavistock said: “We know what you’re thinking. And absolutely not.

“I don’t even have to see him for the revulsion to rise up. I can have my back to the TV when the dishevelled prick appears and I still say ‘No’ in a stern voice, like to a dog eyeing a cooling pie on a kitchen counter.

“He had his chance. He f**ked it up with lockdown parties and hiring sex pests and lying about every little bit of it forever. If we turn our backs for a second he’ll be moving his wife’s gaudy furniture back in. Dream on. Before you start, the answer’s no.”

Norman Steele of Keynsham said: “We shouldn’t even be talking about this. It’s an occult Tory scheme to manifest him back into power with collective thought. Forget it. Accept it. He’s done. Move on.”

Senior Tory Denys Finch Hatton said: “Who? Why, it didn’t even cross my mind until you brought it up, but what could be more Churchillian than a disastrous second term?”

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Air fryers serving up delicious meals of fried air

BRITAIN’S brand new air fryers are serving up delicious and healthy meals of fried air. 

The fryers are efficiently and cheaply cooking all that the country can afford to eat – the very air itself – using only a couple of teaspoons of oil.

Hannah Tomlinson of Goole said: “They are marvellous. The air goes in cold and unpalatable but comes out hot, smelling delicious and a great meal for the kids.

“They can’t get enough of it. They demanded helping after helping of lovely fried air to crunch down with lashings of ketchup stolen from the foyers of gastropubs.

“Of course there’s the initial outlay on the air fryer, which can be defrayed by ordering it from Amazon and saying your neighbour nicked it, but after that it’s amazingly cheap and unbelievably healthy. Meals are zero calories or, if you chew them for a while, even less.

“No, I couldn’t be without my air fryer. If I didn’t have it I’d be reduced to inhaling odours on the street for sustenance.”