Hunt to give mini-statement on where and how Truss locked up

JEREMY Hunt is to reassure the markets with a mini-statement on where Liz Truss is being held and the security of the restraints used. 

The chancellor of the exchequer, who on Thursday was just some prick and is now running the country, will calm the markets and Britain by detailing exactly how difficult it would be for the prime minister to escape.

He said: “First, there’s the straitjacket and muzzle, each held with solid titanium German locks. The keys have been destroyed.

“The bunker below Downing Street, where Truss will remain sealed, has walls of reinforced concrete eight feet thick. The vents are too small for even a child to wriggle through. The door is sealed from the outside and has been welded shut.

“Guards loyal only to the Bank of England work in shifts outside, all deaf-mutes. There is no way Truss can leak even one destabilising, currency-crash-causing word to the economy.

“She will remain there, and remain prime minister, for the remainder of her term in office. This is in the best interests of the Conservative party and the country.”

Hunt is expected to be found dead in his office with his throat gnawed open tomorrow morning, and the bunker will be empty.

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Has Liz Truss gone yet? A guide to take you through to about lunchtime

THE time is 9.02am: is Liz Truss still prime minister? How about now? This guide takes you through the next few hours: 

9.02am: You arrive at work and rush to your desk to discover if Liz Truss got fired while you were on the A500. Inexplicably no, despite being ripped a new arsehole by Andrew Neil on Good Morning Britain.

9.22am: Markets give their verdict on the new Truss/Hunt leadership team and they hate it. Especially the Truss part. You wait eagerly to hear they’re being sealed in concrete and dumped at sea. but eventually have to answer some emails.

9.50am: A conference call is completely derailed when a senior backbench Tory you’ve never heard of calls on Truss to resign immediately, BBC News interrupts Rip-Off Britain and it seems about to happen but doesn’t. Markets rally then crash accordingly.

10.22am: You nip to the canteen for a toastie, only to rush back to your desk when you hear distant cheering and assume that Liz Truss has been found by a pitchfork-wielding mob. It turns out to be children at a local primary school playing football.

10.50am: Work halts as a rumour spreads that a guillotine has been erected in Parliament Square and Huw Edwards is back in black tie to do the commentary. The pound rises to £1.16 against the dollar at the gleeful idea, then collapses again.

11.11am: Sky News cuts to live footage of Downing Street’s front door, which you’ve frankly seen too much of since 2016, which is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot. Everyone respectfully downs tools and agrees she’s done the decent thing and it was for the country’s good. It was a lorry backfiring. Gilt sales fall again.

11.37am: You’re called into an impromptu meeting so of course it’s going to happen then. Everyone gabbles through sales targets and campaign ROI before rushing out to find out how it happened but unbelievably, Liz Truss is still prime minister.

12.05pm: Lunchtime arrives and somehow, despite everything, she’s made it. You go out for a Sainsbury’s Meal Deal which since 9am today has gone up to £8.75. Surely she won’t last until the school run.