Air on public transport 72 per cent flatulence

THE air circulating in buses, trains and trams is nearly three-quarters anal emissions, a new study has revealed.

News of the density of arse fumes has come as a shock to the scientific community, despite decades of public transport users noticing the presence of noxious gasses when they inhale.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “72 per cent? Jesus. I expected the odd squeaky leakage here and there but this is nearly as vile as our coastal waters. Have you all been eating beans before setting off?

“I recommend decreasing the flatulence to oxygen ratio by cracking a window. That won’t help the poor sods trapped in Tube carriages from breathing in a lungful of intestinal vapours, but it’s a start.

“Luckily there’s no risk of suffocating on sphincter wind, it’s just revolting. Are you even trying to hold it in? You’re not animals, for Christ’s sake, so clench and wait until you get off.”

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “It’s sickening to think about everyone’s bum particles swirling in the air. I didn’t wear a face mask for Covid, but I’ll pop one on to stay safe from farts.”

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How to be a considerate lover: a man who once went down on his ex-girlfriend explains

STRUGGLING to please your woman? Follow the advice of a considerate lover who ate out his ex-girlfriend in 2014: 

Start with foreplay

A woman is like a Honda Civic on a winter’s morning. You can’t fire her up straight away, you need to heat up the engine, de-ice the windscreen and crank up the demister. Or, in a woman’s case, fondle her boobs for twenty seconds before you get down to six-and-a-half minutes of rigorous lovemaking.

Read her body language

Women express their feelings via subtle physical cues. An arch of the back here, an intake of breath there, it’s barely perceptible. If she’s tossing her head back, moaning about a headache and saying ‘maybe not tonight’, then this really means she wants you to fetch her a Nurofen, a glass of water and your erect cock. Thank me later.

Communication, communication, communication

Good sex is built on constant communication and feedback. My go-to lines for a sizzling shag include ‘honestly, it’s in’, ‘that never usually happens so fast’ and ‘sorry, it’s been a while’, so feel free to use them yourself. And if you ever work out what those disgruntled sighs of frustration mean let me know because I never figured that out.

Don’t forget the clitoris

Like most men, I thought the clitoris was a myth or a joke. How wrong I was. After being briskly directed to the clitoris by a frustrated partner I finally found it. Nobody knows what you’re supposed to do with it when you’ve tracked it down though, so feel free to improvise. Pat it? She’ll probably love that.

Treat her to oral sex

She went down on you, you should go down on her. Fair’s fair. Keep the magic alive though by making it a treat instead of a staple item on your sexual menu. I last ate out a girlfriend when David Cameron was still in office, so whoever I treat to cunnilingus next should be really grateful. Of course I expect a blowjob every morning. That’s simple good manners.

Wind down with pillow talk

Once you’ve shot your load, that means sex is over and it’s time to roll off her. If you’ve still got some stamina, try engaging in pillow talk. She’ll probably whisper sweet nothings into your ear like ‘fancy finishing me off’ or ‘do you think this is working?’ Simply smile and let these words lull you to sleep.