ITV To Apologise To Essex Using A Sad Face And Some Boobs

THE broadcaster of The Only Way Is Essex is to apologise to the county’s residents using pictures of things they recognise.

The hit series has been accused of depicting Essex people as slack-jawed, fame-obsessed, Satsuma-skinned halfwits who put fairy lights on their genitals.

But local club promoter, DJ and fomer professional footballer, Roy Hobbs, said: “It’s bang out of order. We ain’t just into going to clubs with rubbish Z-list celebs like Beppe from Eastenders.

“We’re also into going to club VIP rooms with quality people like Dean Gaffney from Eastenders. I was in the members-only disabled toilet with him at Cafe du Vadge in Chelmsford last weekend.”

He added: “We aren’t thick and we don’t deserve to be stereocast, stereophoned or starrytyped.”

A spokesman for ITV2 admitted some members of the Essex community have taken exception to what they consider to be an unfair representation of their breeding ground.

“We will preface the next episode with a short apology, though we have had to adapt it so that it doesn’t contain actual words.

“We’ll probably just go with a picture of a sad face. And then some boobs. They seem to be fond of boobs.”

Hobbs added: “And I almost went to the same party as Dane Bowers once. He’s a DJ and he put his foot up Jordan’s fanny.”

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Gordon Brown To Have A Nice, Lazy Day

GORDON Brown will have a late breakfast, watch some afternoon telly and then take a nice long bath while George Osborne is kicking your bastarding teeth down your throat, it has been confirmed.

While the chancellor is machine-gunning half the country into a pit and telling the other half they must live chin-deep in their own dung, the former prime minister will be buttering some wholemeal toast and asking a stout, cheerful housekeeper to poach him an egg.

Mr Brown said: “Ooh look, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is on this afternoon.

“I think I’ll Sky plus it and watch it after my bath while you fret over your credit card bill and ponder the extent of my genius.”

Mr Brown said he recognised that many people are worried about their jobs but stressed that most jobs are really quite annoying and he was so glad he did not have to do one any more.

“Jobs eh? Will you have one? Won’t you have one? Let me tell you, you’re better off out of it.

“Not having a job is so much more relaxing. All of a sudden you have time for eating toast and watching telly and having baths.

“I spend hours in the bath. Sometimes I’ll even read a book in the bath. At the moment I’m reading a book about economics. Did you know that economics is all about money? Isn’t that amazing? I had no idea.

“Of course, you do get money for doing a job, but I’m sure you’ve got hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank as well a huge advance for your tell-all book about your 35 months as a teaching assistant.”

Mr Brown said he may also watch a bit of news around tea time, though stressed he was up to speed with the key points from the government’s spending review after it was photographed yesterday on a ginger man’s lap.

He added: “Oh dear, that was a such a gingery thing to do, wasn’t it?”