Jihadi John’s plans for Christmas single ruined

JIHADI John’s novelty Christmas single has been shelved after a successful drone strike.

Come On Baby (Join the Global Caliphate) was set to launch on next weekend’s Strictly Come Dancing, with ‘John’ on vocals, Isis leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi on sleigh bells, and three backing dancers forbidden to dance, sing or move.

Manager Bill McKay said: “John’s ambition, apart from killing the prime minister, had always been to go on Top of the Pops and the Christmas one is the only one left.

“We had it all planned out. He was turning on the Christmas lights in Derby next week and then he was supposed to be doing Saturday Kitchen.

McKay said that working with Jihadi John had been ‘challenging’ as the psychotic terrorist was clearly desperate to be famous while simultaneously rejecting celebrity as a symptom of corrupt western decadence.

He added: “It’s such a shame as the song is quite catchy. We really thought this could be the next Gangnam Style.

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Lemmy confirms he is immortal

MOTORHEAD frontman Lemmy has reassured fans that he is eternal and will never die.

Following the sad death of the band’s original drummer Phil ‘Philthy Animal’ Taylor, Lemmy has confirmed that he, like the music of Motorhead, will never change in any way.

He said: “The black pact I made with the War-Pig in 1975 still holds. My soul’s long gone, but who needs that?

“You are looking at someone who was thrown out of Hawkwind for doing too much drugs. If that didn’t kill me, then being ground zero of a nuclear blast ain’t gonna to do fuck all.”

He added: “In a couple of millennia there will only be me and the cockroaches, and I’ll recruit the hardest rocking bastards into Motorhead and we’ll play a gig in the blasted remains of Hammersmith.

“It’ll be so loud it cracks the earth itself into pieces, sending me and my roach band on an odyssey through the cosmos, devastating alien civilisations with the twin blast of Ace of Spades and Overkill.”