Internet to cover for junior doctors during strike

ANYONE feeling ill during the doctors’ strike has been advised to just look it up on a computer.

Officials said that Googling your symptoms is equally as effective and your computer has more experience than most junior medics and is nowhere near as tired.

A department of health spokesman said: “Persistent vomiting and dizzy symptoms? Just tap the words into your search engine and you’ll get thousands of results. There’s bound to be something helpful in that lot.

“A worrying growth? YouTube will show you a fast and easy way of cutting it off that’s hardly painful at all, as long as you do exactly as they say.

“Or you could go to a New Age website. Rub crocus on it. That’ll probably help. Nature’s good.”

The spokesman added: “Most illness is all the mind. You don’t need some angry little doctor to tell you that.”

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Please stop now, say children in need

NEEDY children across Britain have asked that tonight’s Children in Need is the last.

As Britain faces another evening of dancing newsreaders and low grade pop stars trying to look earnest, disadvantaged children have said they will source their own food parcels from now on.

Nathan Muir, a homeless 9-year-old, said: “Sleeping in a skip under a motorway flyover is pretty bad but at least it’s not a ‘sketch’ starring Peter Andre, Gary Lineker and David Cameron.

“I couldn’t live with myself thinking I’d put you through something that hellish. Honestly, I’ll stuff a load of newspapers up my jumper, I’ll be fine.”

The telethon started even earlier this year, with a concert last night featuring Rob Brydon and Tom Jones that witnesses say had more awkward pauses than an amateur production of a Harold Pinter play.

Meanwhile, the children reminded Britain that giving to charity is entirely legal 365 days of the year and can be done without anyone sitting in a bath full of beans.