Joaquin Phoenix's Joker really speaks to my sense of not having sex. By Martin Bishop

JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.

The trailer for Joker: Folie à Deux promises another fascinating study of contemporary male alienation, but I really don’t think he should have a girlfriend. That feels unrealistic to me, and it would be better if the film instead delves into issues like Arthur’s collection of wanking socks.

Obviously my own feelings of disaffection are due to the West’s crisis of masculinity and the pernicious role of feminism. Sadly it encourages women to seek out the ‘perfect’ man and reject perfectly good ones with their own room in their mum’s house and a generous allowance for Warhammer figures.

It’s easy to see why men relate to Arthur. His relationship with the black girl is exactly like my relationship with the girl in Asda, except I wouldn’t take her to a comedy club, I’d take her for a Greggs pizza slice meal deal. I can’t see the point of spending more than £2.85 on a woman unless we’re definitely going to have sex, even if I’m just imagining the whole thing.

But to return to Lady Gaga’s role as Harley Quinn – frankly it worries me. It seems likely she’ll have sex with Arthur, and that will feel like a massive betrayal. Director Todd Phillips should respect the film’s fanbase, so maybe Arthur could buy a Fleshlight instead?

Sadly a lot of people just won’t get Joker: Folie à Deux. Haters said the first one was pretentious drivel full of half-baked, contradictory messages, but the message is clear to intelligent people like me: if you’re a virgin aged 26 it’s society’s fault and definitely not yours, or your neckbeard’s.

And speaking as a normal heterosexual man who just happens to be currently sex-free, I’m a bit f**ked off Margot Robbie isn’t in it. I’m not saying Lady Gaga isn’t attractive, but she does look like a man from a certain angle. It’s not her fault, and I suppose I could just do her doggystyle.

So that is why Arthur Fleck is an anti-hero for our times and men like me. I’m pre-booking a ticket this afternoon, so if any ladies want to join me, send me £6 on PayPal. But make sure you’re at least as fit as her off Countdown, or I’m just not going to be that into knobbing you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What to do with your Adidas Sambas now Sunak has made them uncool