John Motson's BBC contract extended by another 40 years

JOHN Motson has renewed his BBC contract until 2052, in line with the Corporation’s policy to ensure everything remains exactly the same.

There were fears that the football commentator might retire at some point, leaving viewers vulnerable to the feeling that the world has changed since 1972.

But BBC insiders said that a Motson departure would be too great a shock for licence payers following the abrupt cancellation, after just 37 years, of Last Of The Summer Wine in 2010.

John Motson began at the BBC as a perky, ambitious young broadcaster who, over many decades has grown old, surly and harrowed by the creeping spectre of mortality. He must be addressed by staff as ‘Mr Motson’ at all times.

But according to the terms of his contract, ‘Motty’, as he is known to people he despises, is a ruddy-faced fellow in a sheepskin coat with a nerdy love of stats who has been 48 years-old since 1976.

The Corporation is particularly keen on retaining commentators over vast lengths of time in order to sedate their viewers with an illusion of continuity. Voice of tennis, Dan Maskell, is still on the BBC payroll 20 years after his death.

A BBC spokesman said: “Viewers like not being told every little thing that’s going on. The dead are very good at that.”

Experts say Motson may attempt to emulate Frank Bough, who was forced to fabricate a sordid cocaine-sex scandal to break his 400-year Grandstand contract.

But a BBC spokesman said: “Motson can enter a goat as far as we’re concerned. He’s going nowhere.”



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Martin Jol in morality expectation confusion

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

The boulder-headed Fulham manager lodged a complaint about Liverpool’s pursuit of striker Clint Dempsey with the heartbreakingly naive and misplaced anticipation of fairness normally only seen in abattoir-bound lambs.

An FA spokesman said: “He was just crying and shaking and asking why Clint preferred a team that were prepared to pay him twice as much as he is, all the while clutching a Dempsey scarf he’d made.

“He really did think that the adoration of thousands, more money than can sensibly be spent in a single lifetime and job security in a recession would be enough to make a normal person want to stay.

“I hardly had the heart to tell him.”

Jol will now spend the next week in the FA’s office going through videos of English football, starting in 1960 with lots of  Brylcreemed, gap-toothed ex-miners treating it like an actual job.

If Jol still considers Liverpool’s conduct to be unusually unscrupulous by the time they reach the 1980s, he will be tested for brain damage and told to grow up by Stuart Pearce.

Fulham also made enquiries about why they are not playing in the Champion’s League, why they can’t have an 80,000 seater stadium like Barcelona and why other teams are allowed to have players that are quicker, stronger and better than theirs.

The spokesman added: “We’re going to explain it with puppets.”