John Peel’s tomb discovered

ARCHAEOLOGISTS have located what they believe is the fabulous tomb of the late John Peel.

Finds included this strange carving

The giant vault, located underneath the BBC’s Maida Vale studios, is said to be crammed with sumptuous music-related ephemera, including jade masks of the Bhundu Boys and Ushabti figures depicting all 324 members of The Fall.

Workers have yet to excavate the entire area, but already the haul includes an ivory-handled vinyl brush depicting Dawn of the Replicants, a gold amulet in the shape of King Crimson, a solid silver Liverpool FC shirt, and spectacular wall paintings of Autechre, Kanda Bongo Man, and Half Man Half Biscuit.

Archaeologist Dr Helen Archer, who discovered the tomb entrance under a pile of unlistenable demos recorded on C90 cassette tapes, said: “This is a hugely significant find.

“It helps us understand a great deal about how Radio 1 DJs of the time lived, and what they believed would happen after you died.

“As you can see, the carvings on this funerary sarcophagus depict Peel sailing to the afterlife on an enormous white label vinyl record, crewed by Extreme Noise Terror and That Petrol Emotion and captained by Billy Bragg.”

“Once admitted to heaven, Peel’s spirit – accompanied by Rob Da Bank and Ras Kwame – would have to pass several difficult tests, including telling two Wedding Present records apart, and playing a demo by Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci at the correct speed.

“If Peel failed to navigate these obstacles, his soul would be devoured by Mark E. Smith”.  

“If he passed, he would then be welcomed into heaven. Almost certainly by Captain Beefheart, let’s face it.”