Jordan Peterson, and other absolute wankers that absolute wankers adore

WANT to find out if someone is an absolute bellend? Ask them who their heroes are. If any of these are on the list, you’ll know for sure: 

Jordan Peterson

The master of being able to dish it out but not being able to take it, Peterson recently left Twitter whining about being insulted after people pulled him up on criticising the appearance of a plus-size model. A favourite with the kind of crypto bros who are obsessive about free speech as long as it’s saying stuff they agree with.

Elon Musk

As a Bond villain, space-obsessed billionaire Elon Musk would be brilliant. He’s even got the name for it. And given that he’s been accused of exploiting workers, animal cruelty and contributing to the global wealth gap, he’s got the personality for it too. Twats love rich twats the most, because they hope to one day be enough of a twat to have as much money as them.

Julia Hartley-Brewer

Hartley-Brewer is meant to be a journalist and radio presenter, but her main profession seems to be posting reactionary bullshit online just to rile up her legion of outrage hungry fans. She made plenty of hay out of playing down the seriousness of Covid, and has been accused of being Islamaphobic and transphobic, making her perfect for a particular type of Twitter bellend.

Joe Rogan

Once an Ultimate Fighting Champion and now the ultimate podcast twat, Joe Rogan has built his career on being an insufferable tit. He’s made millions of dollars peddling his opinions to the type of dickhead who uses phrases like ‘woke mob’ while still managing to take themselves seriously, and has such cult-like appeal that he’ll probably end up president of the United States some day soon.

Russell Brand

The original wanker for wankers, Brand gave up being an annoying comedian who married pop stars and bullied actors on the radio, in favour of becoming a full time crackpot YouTube conspiracy theorist. He attracts the type of idiot who describe themselves as ‘free-thinking contrarians’ and other people as ‘sheeple’, without seeing the irony in being one of Brand’s many gullible acolytes.

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Accidentally buying premium petrol, and other stuff you would have laughed off a year ago

WITH the cost of living crisis really starting to bite, losing even a couple of quid is painful. Here are some financial errors you can no longer laugh off:

Accidentally buying premium petrol

Twelve months ago, grabbing the wrong nozzle and filling up with 30 litres of the fancy, expensive stuff wouldn’t have been a big deal. A treat for the car, you would think, like buying it a glass of champagne. Now, this mistake leaves you weeping on the forecourt along with all the other motorists.

Leaving the lights on

In the halcyon days of 2021, you were cavalier about leaving the kitchen light on all evening, even if it did elicit mutters from your other half about ‘bloody Blackpool illuminations’. These days it costs three times the price so your laissez faire approach is likely to cause a marriage-shaking row rather than just an irritated tut.

Choosing a sandwich that’s not in the meal deal

Though you’ve always been fairly frugal, sometimes you’d allow yourself to live like a king at lunchtime and choose a Tesco Finest smoked salmon and cream cheese. Now, straying beyond the boundaries of the meal deal could possibly cost you your summer holiday, so you’ll stick rigidly to the ham and cheddar sub, probably until you retire.

Buying a pint

Unless you’re prepared to deal with the existential misery provoked by going to your local Wetherspoons, paying for a pint will bring sharply into focus the financial mess we are in. And forget buying a round, no one can afford to have friends anymore. Eking out a single pint alone is now your entire social life.

Getting a pound stuck in a trolley

Up until recently, losing a pound coin to a trolley was the kind of thing that would make you mutter ‘bastard’ under your breath. Then you’d get in your car and never think about it again. In these dark times, an incident like this will be followed by a tense conversation with supermarket staff and an act of criminal damage performed with a screwdriver.