'Juliet is white in the film': The racist moron's guide to Shakespeare

A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.

Juliet was definitely white

Look, I’ve seen Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet, which everyone knows is the definitive text, and that had Claire Danes in it. End of, mate. You can bang on as much as you like about different versions and interpretations, but if I haven’t seen it on telly while chugging my way through a six-pack of Carling, it doesn’t count. No, I don’t have any further arguments to justify this dimwitted bollocks, so stop asking.

Shakespeare didn’t write any plays about black people

I know my history, which is that no black person set foot in the UK until the Empire Windrush arrived in 1948. So Shakespeare would never have written a play about anyone who was not white, it’s impossible. What about Othello? Yeah, the board game, I’ve played it. Why do I think it’s called Othello? I don’t know, ask whoever invented it.

Society hasn’t changed that much since 1590

People spout a lot of rubbish about how much society has changed since Tudor times and why it’s important to reflect that, but are things really that different? Obviously there’s the internet and cars and space travel and democracy and stuff, but I’ve got gout, just like Henry VIII. Admittedly he might not have got his from only consuming Coca-Cola, Stella and microwave meals, but aside from that we could pretty much be the same man.

It doesn’t matter that it’s made up

Don’t come at me saying Shakespeare is fictional and can be reimagined however anyone wants it to be. There are rules about this sort of thing and you can’t go swapping in anyone you like, however good a performer they may be. The only fictional character I’ll concede there’s some leeway with is James Bond, because 007 is just a codename. Although to be honest I don’t like any of them except Sean Connery slapping gorgeous birds on the arse.

It’s beside the point that I would never have gone to see it anyway

If this hadn’t been whipped into a frenzy on social media by reactionary dickheads with nothing better to do with their time, I’d never have heard about it. It’s not like I attend the theatre on a regular basis. Or ever. But that doesn’t stop me sticking in my oar in. It never does, and I’ve got opinions on everything from trans healthcare to climate change. That’s the great thing about living in a democracy – you can have a strong opinion on anything you know f**k all about.

There was no gender-bending nonsense in those days

As well as changing the race of fictional characters willy-nilly, woke theatre companies love to put on gender-swapped versions of Shakespeare plays. Even though you can be certain that in his day they would never have stood for men playing women. That kind of non-binary madness only started recently, and I blame Ru Paul’s Drag Race and TikTok. Have I seen Shakespeare In Love? No. That sounds a bit gay.

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Joaquin Phoenix's Joker really speaks to my sense of not having sex. By Martin Bishop

JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.

The trailer for Joker: Folie à Deux promises another fascinating study of contemporary male alienation, but I really don’t think he should have a girlfriend. That feels unrealistic to me, and it would be better if the film instead delves into issues like Arthur’s collection of wanking socks.

Obviously my own feelings of disaffection are due to the West’s crisis of masculinity and the pernicious role of feminism. Sadly it encourages women to seek out the ‘perfect’ man and reject perfectly good ones with their own room in their mum’s house and a generous allowance for Warhammer figures.

It’s easy to see why men relate to Arthur. His relationship with the black girl is exactly like my relationship with the girl in Asda, except I wouldn’t take her to a comedy club, I’d take her for a Greggs pizza slice meal deal. I can’t see the point of spending more than £2.85 on a woman unless we’re definitely going to have sex, even if I’m just imagining the whole thing.

But to return to Lady Gaga’s role as Harley Quinn – frankly it worries me. It seems likely she’ll have sex with Arthur, and that will feel like a massive betrayal. Director Todd Phillips should respect the film’s fanbase, so maybe Arthur could buy a Fleshlight instead?

Sadly a lot of people just won’t get Joker: Folie à Deux. Haters said the first one was pretentious drivel full of half-baked, contradictory messages, but the message is clear to intelligent people like me: if you’re a virgin aged 26 it’s society’s fault and definitely not yours, or your neckbeard’s.

And speaking as a normal heterosexual man who just happens to be currently sex-free, I’m a bit f**ked off Margot Robbie isn’t in it. I’m not saying Lady Gaga isn’t attractive, but she does look like a man from a certain angle. It’s not her fault, and I suppose I could just do her doggystyle.

So that is why Arthur Fleck is an anti-hero for our times and men like me. I’m pre-booking a ticket this afternoon, so if any ladies want to join me, send me £6 on PayPal. But make sure you’re at least as fit as her off Countdown, or I’m just not going to be that into knobbing you.