Kasabian album title references fans' IQ range

KASABIAN’S number one album 48:13 is named after their fan base’s upper and lower intelligence test scores.

A source at record label Columbia said: “Data showed that Kasabian fans varied from an IQ score of 48, which means they are technically imbeciles, to a lower ranking of 13 which is lower than a caterpillar.

“It’s nothing to do with the album’s length, that was pure coincidence.

“We considered the alternative title Fuckwits but you can’t say fuck on Radio 1.”

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England psychologist dislocates mind

THE England football team’s sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.

Peters, who had been coaching the team to accept failure, received such a jolt of euphoria that doctors fear he may have permanently damaged his sense of proportion.

Roy Hodgson said: “I went to visit Peters in hospital, and the first thing he said was ‘Despite the setback, I think you guys can go all the way.’

“The doctors have confirmed that his detachment from reality is the worst they’ve ever seen, and consequently optimism is beginning to overload the functioning parts of his brain.

“Just before I left he grabbed my hand and said: ‘If not this time then next time, Roy! Keep building! Never give up!’”

The loss of Peters has had a serious knock-on effect on the England squad, with an outbreak of self-belief crushing several players under the weight of expectation.

Daniel Sturridge said: “Steve was always so negative, really convincing us that we didn’t have the ghost of a chance. I promise I’ll never score for England ever again.”