Katie Price announces remake of My Fair Lady

FORMER glamour model Katie Price is to write, direct and star in an updated version of My Fair Lady.

But in a key difference to the 1964 film starring Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison, Eliza Doolittle no longer becomes a society lady but rather the world’s richest soft porn model.

Price said: “When Professor Higgins first meets Eliza, she tells him to stop being an old perv and fuck off. Then when he wants to make her posh, she decides to become a glamour model instead because she’s a strong, independent woman.

“The new film won’t be set in history, it’ll be set in now. It’ll still be a musical, although the old songs will be replaced by my own music, including my number 60 hit Free to Love Again.

“We’ve made the boring old film loads better, like when Eliza goes to the embassy ball and impresses everyone with her massive new tits.”

Price confirmed the addition of a scene in which Professor Higgins reveals he has been having an affair and is trampled to death by Eliza’s horse.

She added: “My ex Peter is going to be perfect in the Rex Harrison role because he’s just as shit at singing.”

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Cameron announces tough sanctions against London

THE prime minister is to impose sanctions on Russia’s wealthiest city, London.

The capital, which is home to the majority of Russia’s oligarchs and the eight million people who exist only to serve them, will be hit with a ban on luxury imports, a freeze on bank accounts, and stringent restrictions on business-related murders.

David Cameron said: “Once they find themselves driving year-old Mercedes, their wives dressed in last season’s couture, unable to buy bad sculptures and eating caviar smuggled into the city via anal balloon, they’ll soon crack.”

The sanctions would stop football clubs Arsenal and Chelsea from buying anything but the lowest-grade homegrown players and reduce the Evening Standard to nothing but a disposable freesheet for hiding commuter erections.

Critics have argued that sanctions will hit the ordinary people of London hardest, but Cameron stressed they should not have been complicit in a corrupt regime responsible for countless human rights abuses.

The prime minister, himself a known associate of the oligarchs, was then forced to hand in his passport and enter 10 Downing Street where he will remain under house arrest.