'Keep the tunes coming': six dickhead radio shout-outs

THE radio exists to provide a flow of music and inane chat when an afternoon’s dragging, until Jamie from Morecambe texts in to make it all about him:

‘Keep the tunes coming’

DJs must find this message so useful. How else would they know to play another song after the one currently playing finishes? If they’re not reminded by Hayley from Colchester, the rest of the show would play out in awkward silence.

‘My two-year-old requested the Chemical Brothers’

Aging hipster parent Sandy of Glossop loves to try to claw back some bragging rights through his progeny. This should be is a signal for social services to visit the house and explain that nobody needs to hear Let Forever Be until eight years old at the earliest.

‘The whole office is loving it’

Forcing your workplace to listen to your station of choice is a borderline hostage situation. Deciding to speak on their behalf just because Heart played Barry Manilow’s Mandy broadcasts your sadism to the nation.

‘Got to shout out my mates Eric, Chris, Riggsy, Tom…’

When an imbecile with friends makes it onto the air, and boy do they make the most of their two minutes of mid-morning radio fame. After all, why would you want to listen to music when you could hear an endless list of dull twats’ names?

‘Happy anniversary Maggie’

Nothing says ‘I’m up shit’s creek because I forgot to get a card’ quite like Carl from Warrington’s grovelling dedication attached to a request for an Ed Sheeran song. Which will only cause more marital dischord because their first dance was to Michael Bublé.

‘Let me tell you what’s wrong with this country’ 

Any contribution to talk radio sucks, without exception. It would be more effective for these guys – it’s mainly guys – to find a void to scream into. But that wouldn’t be fair on the poor void.

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Liz Truss wakes up at 5am and rushes downstairs to see if growth has arrived yet

AN impatient Liz Truss has, for the fourth morning running, woken before dawn and rushed down to see if record growth has arrived yet. 

The prime minister’s huge tax cuts were announced on Friday and every day she has woken up expecting to hear that Britain’s economy has taken off and hit the stratosphere, only to be disappointed.

She said: “I know, I know, we just have to wait for the pound to stabilise and the markets to stop their silly jittering and gilts to be sensible. But I want growth now.

“Come on people, it’s been days. Let’s get those record-breaking corporate profits invested and kick off my decade of dynamism and opportunity. What are you hanging around for?

“Honestly, after yesterday’s big soggy economic let-down of a day I thought today would be the one. I crept down with my eyes closed, chanting ‘four per cent growth, four per cent growth’ under my breath. I was so sure.

“Instead I was greeted by glum interns muttering about the Asian markets. It broke my little heart.

“But at least I know now that today’s the last day I’ll have to put up with it, because today’s the turnaround and tomorrow’s going to be Growth Day! Hooray! I hope I can sleep.”