Keith Richards Delighted To Discover He Is In 'Pirates Of The Caribbean'

ROLLING Stone Keith Richards last night said he was "amazed and delighted" to discover he was in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie after attending its star-studded premiere in Hollywood. 

"I was a big fan of the first two Pirates films so I was obviously thrilled to be invited to the screening and looking forward to some free JD and cokes afterwards," said the ageing rocker.

"I got off to sleep right away as normal but when I was woken up by some loud bangs I started to get this really freaky sense of having seen the film before.

"Initially, like everyone else, I just put it down to Disney running out of ideas after milking the franchise for every drop.

"But then a figure loomed into shot who looked incredibly familiar and I realised, eventually, that it was me.

"At this point it all came flooding back, and it dawned on me that the three-day party I thought I was at in the Bahamas last year was actually the Pirates’ film shoot."

Nor was this the only major revelation on the night for the famously hard living Rolling Stones guitarist. "It appears that I am also Johnny Depp’s dad," said Keith, who described himself as overjoyed at the latest addition to his family.

"Johnny is a real talent, a chip off the old block and I could not be prouder. I just wish I could have been there at the birth, or remember being there at the conception," he said.

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She's No Virgin, Say Friends Of 'Miracle' Shark

MIRACLE shark Lorraine Chelsy is a 'skanky liar' who claimed she had a virgin birth to stop her mum going mad at her for getting pregnant, say her friends. 

Lorraine has attracted the attention of scientists and senior figures in the Catholic Church this week after claiming her shark pup arrived without sexual relations.

However, her friends say that Lorraine made the whole thing up because she was terrified her strict religious mother would throw her out for being an unmarried mum.

One said: "Lorraine is so far from being a virgin it’s untrue. She may not know who the father is, but that’s only because it could be one of many. She’s nothing but a little tart."

When confronted, Lorraine’s mum Betty Chelsy angrily denied the claims saying the other girl sharks were "just jealous" of the attention.

Meanwhile, a Vatican spokesman confirmed that the Catholic Church was investigating the virgin birth story.

He said: "We have not had one of these confirmed for a couple of thousand years now and let me tell you they are great for business when you can stand them up.

"We could get a whole new marketing campaign out of this one if it’s true, and at the very least a new shrine linked to an aquatic theme park, hotel and championship golf course. It could be a real money spinner."