SCOTLAND is a nation of demented, blood-thirsty warmongers, straining to mount a full-scale assault on Holland, according to a Daily Mash readers' poll.
First Minister Alex Salmond said he was delighted that 45% of Scots have given their backing to his campaign against the Dutch.
"Scots have so many reasons to back my war on Holland," he said. "Whether it's the way these people degrade tulips on a daily basis, their contempt for conventional sex, or Jonny Rep's 30-yard screamer against us in the '78 World Cup which brought us hurtling back to earth after Archie Gemmill's wonder-goal."
Scotland's love of carnage was underlined by the Daily Mash poll which showed 12% believe the nation should go to war on terriers, while almost 10% want a war on rugs.
But Salmond's plans for a naval assault have been dealt a devastating blow after the Dutch arson attack on the Cutty Sark. Salmond now hopes to use HMS Discovery, pending approval from Dundee City Council.
Last week Salmond destroyed Chapelcross nuclear power station as a warning to the Dutch, announcing: "If we can do this to Dumfriesshire, imagine what we could to the miniature village of Madurodam."
Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, said: "Your First Minister is a psychopath who is leading you on a road to devastation. We pleaded with him not to blow up Chapelcross.
"We are strengthening our enormous dykes and perfecting our doomsday machine. You have been warned."