It's War!!! Overwhelming Support For Salmond's Dutch Assault

SCOTLAND is a nation of demented, blood-thirsty warmongers, straining to mount a full-scale assault on Holland, according to a Daily Mash readers' poll.

First Minister Alex Salmond said he was delighted that 45% of Scots have given their backing to his campaign against the Dutch.

"Scots have so many reasons to back my war on Holland," he said. "Whether it's the way these people degrade tulips on a daily basis, their contempt for conventional sex, or Jonny Rep's 30-yard screamer against us in the '78 World Cup which brought us hurtling back to earth after Archie Gemmill's wonder-goal."

Scotland's love of carnage was underlined by the Daily Mash poll which showed 12% believe the nation should go to war on terriers, while almost 10% want a war on rugs.

But Salmond's plans for a naval assault have been dealt a devastating blow after the Dutch arson attack on the Cutty Sark. Salmond now hopes to use HMS Discovery, pending approval from Dundee City Council.

Last week Salmond destroyed Chapelcross nuclear power station as a warning to the Dutch, announcing: "If we can do this to Dumfriesshire, imagine what we could to the miniature village of Madurodam."

Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, said: "Your First Minister is a psychopath who is leading you on a road to devastation. We pleaded with him not to blow up Chapelcross.

"We are strengthening our enormous dykes and perfecting our doomsday machine. You have been warned."

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Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

American Paul Bratter has been brought in to strengthen Murray's range of cop-outs after a difficult few weeks in which he was forced, once again, to complain about his fitness and having a "sore wrist".

Bratter, who has worked with Sir Alex Ferguson and a series of England cricket captains, said: "I knew Andy needed my help when he started complaining about having a sore wrist.

"It's amateur hour. Show me a teenage boy who doesn't have a sore wrist and I'll show you a goddamn liar."

Murray is in desperate need of a new range of excuses after missing the French Open, dropping out of the top 10 and readying himself to be sidelined during Wimbeldon fortnight.

Bratter, who created Colin Montgomerie's classic 'American crowds' excuse, added: "We need to generate a new platform of excuses for Andy. We need him to fall in love and then be rejected on the eve of key tournaments.

"We need to sign him up to Amnesty International and other humanitarian organisations. This boy needs to be distracted by a social conscience that's as big as his bank balance.

"When he loses a third round match at Wimbledon next year I want him to be able to blame it on the Chinese government's oppression of Tibet. Now that's a goddamn excuse."

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