LadBaby to beat Beatles record in unignorable signpost of Britain's decline

TODAY, LadBaby will beat the Beatles’ record for Christmas number ones and Britain will have to face what it has become.

The YouTuber equalled the Beatles’ record of four December 25th chart-toppers in 2021, and at 5.40pm today will surpass it and cause the nation to have a long, hard think about its direction.

Nathan Muir of Ludlow said: “On one hand the Beatles; on the other LadBaby. There’s no ignoring that gulf in class. There’s no pretending that’s okay.

“Yeah, there’s been some bad Christmas number ones. Benny Hill. Mr Blobby. Ben Haenow. But we’ve had the Human League, the Pet Shop Boys and Girls Aloud in there too.

“But this? A bloke in a onesie doing a cover version of a song that’s been Christmas number one three times already? Without even a pun about sausage f**king rolls?

“We got bored of the Spice Girls in three. We’d rebelled against the X-Factor by this point. But it’s like we’ve stopped fighting and accepted our fate. Decided that, post-Brexit, we don’t deserve anything better and we might as well eat shit until we die.”

He added: “The history books of the 21st century will pinpoint this moment. They’ll say ‘from that point, Britain’s doom was inescapable. And it was entirely their own fault.'”

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For you, Kate Bush, I will stop the war, says besotted Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has agreed to withdraw all troops from Ukraine in accordance with the wishes expressed by Kate Bush in her annual Christmas message.

While the Kremlin insists that Putin’s greatest love is Mother Russia, it is well known in the country that the president nurtures an even greater affection for the kooky British singer.

Spokesman Nikolai Sokolov said: “We had resolved to pursue our special operation in Ukraine until every last inch of territory had been captured and returned to its rightful home.

“However, President Putin has been stopped dead in his wish to crush the decadent West by the Christmas message from Kate Bush, the impish English rose who resides in the heart of all red-blooded males.

“If she wishes that this war ends, then it is so. It does not make sense to us, but neither did the demented cod-reggae track ‘Them Heavy People’ and yet we still worship her for it.

“Immediately all troops will be ordered to retreat while doing the dance to ‘Wuthering Heights’. President Putin will even make them wear floaty white dresses, if that is what Kate wants.

“All we ask in reparations is that we never have to listen to the song ‘Suspended in Gaffa’ again. Because it is really f**king weird.”